Grief is strange.

Grief is a strange thing. It's been less then three weeks since I lost my brother, so it's still so raw and shocking...Yet, I have moments that I I float along in life, and I can sometimes feel fine, like nothing has ever happened. But then there are other moments where I ache for Sam, where I really can't bring myself to do anything but sit and feel sad. In those moments, I feel closer to Sam and that comforts me, even though my heart is aching and I could scream. Does that make sense?

I was having one of my "floating" days today - One of those day where I grieve but the finality of it all dosen't really hit me, and I carry on with my life. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not. But then, I read a few journals on here that hit a little too close to home and now I'm having one of those moments where I feel closer to Sam and I could cry for hours.

People who have experienced something similar to what I have tell me that at first, time will simply make it worse. That the real pain hits 4-6 months after your loved ones death when everyone else expects you to move on with your life. I can believe that. It's easy enough now to pretend Sam is at uni or at a friends house (And pretending that might seem silly, but it really does help me in moments of sadness) but in a few months time it won't be that easy.

Why do we cry when we think of the memories, when we think of the good times? Everytime I think of the good times with Sam I burst into tears, but why? The memory would never happen again, whether Sam was here or not. And a memory is unchangeable, life or death can not take away our memories of that person, so why does it hurt so much to think of them? It's so very strange.

The social worker who worked with us all through Sam's illness and, now, is helping us through his death, told us that teenagers and children grieve differently to adults. For adults grief is a constant, and is a gradual process, but It's not uncommon with teenagers for us to grive in short bursts, grieving for a few hours and then feeling better and being able to carry on as normal. This actually sounds a lot like me. It seems like I swing from utter despair to coping fine all the time. But the moments where I do feel the pain and grieve and am unable to do anything but think of Sam are so hard at times.

I just wish it would get easier.