is it possible?

Okay, so if you read my usual journals you probably know that im usually talking a load of crap tbh. Which made me think... is it possible for me to actually write a serious journal? I thought i would give it a try, if it doesnt work out then, um... i'm never attempting it again...not that i will if it does work.

Okay..where to begin?

Are you one of those people who stand in front of the mirror for absolutely ages thinking about how ugly or pretty you look today? Or do you spend ages taking pictures of yourself thinking that you look good today, but the pictures prove different? Do you take hundreds of pictures of yourself only to find that one looks actually acceptable? Do you convince yourself that no matter what; you dont give a shit about what people think about you? I can pretty much assure you that i am one of these people. And no matter how much i fake it and pretend that things like bad photo's and other peoples opinions dont affect me, they sometimes hit me deep.

Wanna know the funniest thing? I care more about opinions of people that i don't value that much than i do about people i do value. For example my brother calls me a bitch and that hits me deep, makes me re-think all my actions. But my friend calls me a bit and i couldnt care less, because i know it's probably true. Now i know what youre all probably thinking at this stage "you dont care about your brother?" and in response to that, yes i do care about him, but the amount of hell he has putme and my family through in the past i sometimes couldnt care less if he was dead or alive. I am a bit of a heartless bitch at times i know.

Anyway, why is that everyone nowadays has to spend hours looking in the mirror judging how fat they are? or how pretty or ugly they look? Everyone seems to say that the media is to blame for this, and yeah i do say that they probably do have a lot to do with it, but i dont look at a picture of a skinny person and think "omg she is so skinny i really have to lose weight because the media tells me i have to" I think that our peers have alot to blame about this lack in self-confidence in most teenagers, when you see one of your skinny friends saying "omg im so fat"how does that make you feel when you know that youre a good 2 or 3 dress sizes larger than she is, because i know that it affects me so badly.

I went through a stage of not eating properly for a few months because i had just had enough of it. Everybody seemed to notice, my best friend, my family and everyone around me seemed to be worried about me, but i couldnt see what i was doing to myself, I was finally happy with my body and i wasnt going to stop just because people were slightly worried about me. That didnt last long though, you have to have will power to do that, and i gave it up for a week of so and since then i havent been able to get back into it, and im so frustrated, i feel fat again. I wouldnt say that i was that fat, i'm not overweight, my bmi is healthy but i still feel fat.

Why does everyone in this world feel the need to have a dig at everyone else for how they look? I'm fed up of it. But i'm the biggest hypocrit there is. I see a larger person walking down the street and i take the piss out of them, because inside i know i'm skinnier than they are. I think i'm going to change my ways now. I'm aware of the affects this would have on people if they heard what i had said about them and i feel like this is time to stop.

If you know me please slap me very fucking hard across the face if I do that. If you read all this, thanks i'm pretty sure i lost half of you when i said the word serious ;D
comments would be appreciated muchly (:

[not bad for a first serious journal eh?]
lovesyouallX