My Explanation

Cancer.

What is it about this disease that manages to tear people apart, emotionally, physically, and mentally? Is it the fact that you know you're dying slowly each day, just waiting for that one moment when you will never live again? Or is it the fact that everything you hold close is slipping away and you can't do anything about? The fact that even the smallest thing can harm you. Your guard is down and your body is weak, every small touch sending shock waves of pain though that one places, and soon, you entire body.

I never understood before, I never knew what a killer it was. Sure, I read a few things, saw some movies, talked to people. But I never really understood the damage it could cause, the sense of helplessness it gave. I remember talking to my friends, having one of them explain to me about how their mother passed away from cancer. I remember feeling bad for her, pity overwhelming me. Even then, I didn't understand. I remember hearing the song "Cancer" by one of my favorite bands, My Chemical Romance. Yeah, it made me tear, it made me want to run to my friends house and pull her into a hug, but I didn't. Why? Because I didn't understand.

It wasn't 'till a month later that I understood the feeling. That was when I understood the pain and damage that it causes, how painful it was. It wasn't 'till a month later that I discovered that my dad had cancer. That's when I began to feel it, the anger, the pain, and the sense of being helpless. It hurt me to see my dad suffering, but it killed me when I thought about what he was going through. Even with all my friends trying to comfort me, I still felt alone. I remember coming home from school and seeing my dad on a stretcher, being loaded onto an ambulance multiple times. I remember hearing my mom cry, thinking that it was his time to leave.

That was two years ago. Yes, he is still alive and, yes, he is still in pain. But it's not the same pain anymore, it grew--evolved. He can no longer go for those short drives he loved, he can no longer walk on his own, he can no longer put on his own shoes. I walk into his room in the mornings and see him laying on the hospital bed that we got him, using the oxygen mask to help him breath. He still tries to do the things he used to. He still tries to water the plats, take out the trash, wash the cars and live. He just ends up hurting himself in the end. He's not home right now, he's at the hospital.

Do you know what's great about this whole situation that just adds the cherry on top? My brother, his wife, and their kids. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em all, they just made things a bit harder for me. My brother is in the military, he just got deployed to Iraq. My sister-in-law just moved in with us, bringing in my nephew(4years) and my niece(6 months) into the house. I have to go to school and live though the day, hoping that my dad is still gonna be alive when I get home where I have to help my sister-in-law with the kids. I help her with the baby and the cleaning. I have to try to do my work at home, dealing with the noisy kids, along with my school work which is actually not so good, and worrying about my brother and my dad.

I don't really go out anymore, last time I did my dad was crying for me to come home because he wanted me by his side. That was it, I never wanted to leave his side again. He looks like a skeleton, you could see his bones from a mile away. I cry almost everyday, wishing it could be me instead of him. He has a heart of gold and has done barley anything wrong; he's a saint.

And it's not just how he looks and the pain he's going through, it's the fact that I wont be able to cherish those moments that every girl should. I want my dad to be there when I graduate high school, I want him to walk me down the aisle when I get married, I want him to hold my first baby; I want him to be there. I get angry when people tell me that he'll always be with me and by my side. I get angry when they tell me that everything is gonna be okay, cause it's not. I know that he'll always be with me, but I will always feel empty. And it's not going to be okay, it's gonna be hell. And no matter how many kisses and hugs I get from people I will always hurt.

I know I'm probably annoying you with my complaints, so what's why I'm writing it. I'm giving you the option of either wanting to read on and feeling sympathy for me, or clicking the back button and ignoring my pathetic cry. Oh, and just so you know, you can't spell sympathetic without pathetic. I just wanted to get this out and tell people that don't know me, it's annoying when everyone you know tells you the same thing.

I know this is off topic, but I really wanna thank everybody who ever read/commented any of my stories. It really makes me feel better, the fact that I'm pleasing people and that I'm finally doing something right. I know that some of you are thinking one word and one word only, "whatever." But I'm serious, I couldn't live on if I wouldn't able to write.

Sorry for this stupid thing being so long...