Not fitting in or feeling lost, the same thing, right?

Always longing, longing for something. Longing to fit in, to love, to feel complete. Never finding it, losing hope, crying. Never knowing whats next but knowing what's coming. Does it hurt when you feel like you can do anything, but do nothing? Does it hurt whenever you've felt as if you've lost your mind, because no matter what you do, you don't fit? They say everyone feels this way at least once in their lives. I can see that, but do they feel it from the very day they were able to grasp an intelligent view? Does everyone feel completely and utterly alone even when they're in a room full of people, when they're surrounding by friends? Telepathy. Something. I don't know. It's like a puzzle but the main peice is always missing, that one piece that tells you what the puzzle is. I want my missing piece, I want to know what it is. I'm tired of hurting, of feeling so lost when I'm sitting here. I want to feel like I'm at home, but even when I'm in my room, on my bed, in my comfy pajamas, I'm not at home, I'm just under a roof and out of the cold. Well, actually I'm in the cold because I turned the heat off and it's the beginning of february and it's below freezing outside, but that's not what I was going on about. I know why I ramble, it helps distract me from the hurt, this overwhelming feeling of loss. Maybe something is wrong with me, maybe. I don't know, I won't know, I will never find out, because if I do, I'm pretty sure the universe would implode. Maybe. But I want this pain to go away, I want to find my missing pieces. I'm only twenty and I already talk like I know everything, but I don't. To my chagrin I've been told this several times, some in none to gently ways. The way I talk is one way to discern myself from the group, I don't have an accent, unless I want one. I talk like... anyway I want, really. I constantly think about things that really shouldn't be there, I don't know why, but somethings connect that take others awhile to figure out. I've heard that I'm just smart, my IQ isn't higher then anyone elses, okay, it's 140 but that's not high. There's people out there with 200 or more, that know where the fuck they belong. I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know, and that's what's so damned painful, the fear that I will never fit in with anyone. Being constantly on watch that I don't do something stupid with friends that I've known for years, but I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, I should let my defenses down, but I can't. I've tried, they go back up with force and I argue like no tomorrow even when I know I'm wrong about something that's so pointless I don't even remember it, it's my self defense to push someone away with arguments that don't make sense. It's actually worked on people, except two. Those two will always be special to me. Doesn't matter what anyone says, I'd die for them. They know it. But I still don't feel, complete, maybe something is wrong with me.