I Just Don't Care Enough.

I just had the most amazing talk with my mother. We've always gotten along, I consider her a best friend, at the least. But I'm decently secluded and prefer keeping my emotions to myself, but I really came out tonight. I feel like the last decent, completely honest conversation that I had with her was when I talked to her about my bisexuality.

She told me everything she felt, after I told her about everything, and I've never been happier to hear the truth about someone finding my cold-hearted. I know it's not something to be happy about, but I appreciate everything she said. I am cold-hearted, because it's what I'm use to. From being in situations where I have to be the strong one, I'm so use to being the one that doesn't show any sense of weakness or emotion. I know she's worried that I felt that way, since I'm the youngest, I'm still a teenager. It's not okay for someone my age to pretend to be the strong one, who keeps everything together while the others broke down.

I have an appointment this Friday with her therapist. I'm afraid I'm going to cry, especially with my mom there on the first session. I haven't been to therapy since...sixth, maybe seventh grade. I'm admittedly scared, especially when my mom (whose opinion I trust wholeheartedly) thinks I need depression medicine.

I don't want to rely on some pill to make me feel better, I don't need that. The only way I'll ever, ever do that, is if I know I tried to cope first without them. Chemical imbalance or not, I wont instantly turn to a pill, and trust it to control my emotions. I know for a fact I'm a stronger person than that, I just need a...push. And a lot of backup.