Cancer

This might be hard to address.

But my father does indeed have cancer. Two cancers, in fact. Not like one was already enough. The first time I heard the news, I didn't react until the information came slowly. Too slowly. I felt like the doctors were hiding things from us, and it seemed that way each time something bad happened, that I felt like I should have known.

It occurred over my two weeks of winter break, and he was hospitalized for the whole time. So no Christmas or New Years with my dad. It was hard. I don't think I ever realized my own feelings because I had to take care of the other people that were being affected. But all I felt was angry and torn. I just couldn't imagined my dad who is strong and merciless to be so feeble and weak. It was hard to see him wither away in pain. It hurt. I always feel like I'm losing that protection your parents give you.

In this whole process, I grew up way too fast. Parents make everything seem alright until you see the back bone of everything. You realize that everything isn't alright. My parents are in a huge credit card debt and financially, we're just making it. I feel like I have to be my own parent. I miss just being selfish and not seeing what the world really is. It's ignorant, but I felt safe and surrounded by my family's love (Although, I didn't grow up like that, it was just those moments).

But when my dad came back. He didn't rely on me at all. He was mostly angry with me. I felt really..really pathetic. My dad never really relied on me, and he always underestimated my ability. I could never do anything right apparently. He relied on other people. He just yelled and yelled at me. But I don't wether he was taking his anger out on me, or just really yelling at me.

Now he's back at the hospital. Oh joy. Thanks to other obscured information by the doctors.

I hate seeing my dad cry. People usually never see their dad cry.

He cries often now. Before, he didn't really cry at all when he found out he was diagnosed with cancer. He just looked at the doctor and asked if it could be treated. They said yes, but he's had cancer for the longest time, but nobody knew. So the cancer is aggressively developed. But we try and not to remember those crucial details, because it brings back the tears.

The first time I visited him. He told me and my brother he missed me. My father is not emotional at all by the way. He was a strict, navy man who had his morals (Very disciplining not to mention).

"I miss you. I miss my boy and my girl. I suffered so much. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you." He almost about said that 16 times. I never get any affection from my dear old father. At the last "I miss you", it almost sounded like a desperate plea because never did me and my brother respond to that. We just listened. Like if we answered, he'd be at peace with himself.

And I guess thats what makes him cry and cause that inner infliction. Not only does that hospital make him feel like a prison, but watching your life span decrease to almost nothing, it's terrible. Especially just watching it dawn on you. But then there's me and my brother. I'm not going to lie. My father was such an asshole some of the times. It was almost unreasonable and just illogical, it was scary. Now that he's in that condition, he just feels less important in me and my brother's lives.

We lost that fear. I've always been taught to fear my dad in a way. So when I was young, and even now, I've done things for myself, without much of his help. But he's still my dad. I hate watching him cry because I can't figure out how I feel.

I just hate having these emotions touch me. It hurts so much, that I just became numb to it all.

But despite all my childhood agony and fear that was caused my father, I still love him. Nobody can deny that from me.

I can't even show proper emotion having to hide behind a mask so my dad doesn't catch some insignificant cold that could kill him.