A good friend would listen to you...wouldn't they?

I'm going through shit at the moment.

I need to talk to people who know me well and who know the other person in this problem really.

but they never seem to have the time, either because they have to do something else or they have to go or i don't know, maybe they just don't really want to hear me talk about this problem which seems really huge right now.

A stupid argument was started last week between me and a friend and i've spoken to several people about it, i even did a rant on another site about it. the friend did a rant as well and reading that rant made me feel so horrible and such a crap friend it made me cry twice and i had to talk to my best friend about it, which was the second time it made me cry, she had to convince me that it wasn't my fault, that sometimes you can't help hurting people or that sometimes when you hurt people it's just something that happens in the heat of the moment.

So me and my friend made up. Or rather i apologised and she gave me a second chance.

Yet now we've had a new argument and it's so close to the big argument we had before that i had to stop before it escalated and now i still feel like shit about it.

See i know that i've hurt her, i didn't realise until she posted this rant on another site about it and apparently she only just realised it writing that rant as well. I understand that i need to make it up, i need to change, but after the last argument we had two days ago...i don't know if i can do it.

She says i'm being self-centered, i'm sorry if i am, but how many times do i need to apologise? how many times do i have to say sorry? I've always seen a friendship or a relationship of any kind as a two-way street

Is this wrong?? Is a friendship all about one person trying to appease the other?

Because that's what it feels like right now.

It feels like i'm trying to keep her happy, like i have to monitor everything i say just incase some syllable doesn't offend her.

The night of our argument i wrote a poem i want to show it to her, because it's the raw, naked truth of how i feel right now, but i feel like if i do then i'm just being self-centred, i'm only going to make her feel bad about herself, which i can't do because everyone in her whole life has made her feel bad.

So what can i do? How can i make her see that what she's doing is hurting me? on wednesday night there were two things that made me feel like shit that she did.

but apparently that's okay because i made her feel like shit at times - I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DID TO DO TO MAKE HER FEEL THAT WAY!

I admit that i spoke to her alot about my problems, i did wrongly argue with her if i was stressed, i made mistakes I ADMIT THAT! But it's just not enough. It's not enough.

And really, why is it not enough? I can say sorry i can try not to do it again, the likelihood of me doing it again probably is there, i can't see it and i don't know when i make her feel bad.

I said something two nights ago that made her feel bad and i had no idea how or why, we moved past it but it wasn't the same, there was tension for a while after and then once again i said something that she thought was bad. But this time it didn't make her feel bad it was because i was being arrogant in my views on a particular subject. I wasn't being arrogant, i was just shocked that a world known musical had escaped someone's knowledge. Someone that wasn't a less than average student, someone who showed a good interest in writing, someone with clear levels of intelligence. Les Miserables is not a small time production, it's a recognised musical. There are things about Les Mis that i know that others may not like the fact that it's only of the only shows to out-sell itself - as in to be able to make a substantial profit from ticket sales and such. When i saw it last year i had only just found out that it is actually a novel. So no, i don't expect people to know about Les Mis in little details or the plot, but it shocked me when someone said that they'd never heard of it.

Apparently i was being culturally/artistically arrogant (there was a third word with that but i can't remember it) because i was being quite 'omg' about this one girl not knowing about Les Mis. The girl i had the argument with couldn't see that i was shocked. She even told me what to be shocked actually was. I didn't need that explanation, i was, at that moment, going through the motions of being shocked. Apparently i was saying it as something bad that the girl had never heard of Les Mis.

I asked the girl in question if me being all 'omg' about her not knowing about Les Mis hurt her or in any way made her feel bad/degraded her and she told me no, that she knew i was shocked.

So i told this to the other girl whom i was arguing about this with and i don't really know what she thought of it because she wasn't there while i was typing.

I had sent the 'omg' message to several people and that girl was the only one to see it as me degrading this girl. I don't understand that, is it because of this argument we had? Is it because now i cannot say anything without it meaning something bad? Is that what she sees every time i send her a message? Does she have to analyse everything i say before she'll reply??

I understand being in the wrong, i've never felt so much more in the wrong in my life. But it is wrong for me to ask for a little slack? For me to wonder fit his friendship is ever going to work again? We've been talking for a year and i've really opened up with her, i've really been able to be myself which isn't something i can be very often because of personal issues. We only speak on the internet and i have so many people that i speak to no the internet that i find easier to talk to not because i don't see them, but because i don't have to worry about not being able to hang around with them at school. Because i don't have to worry about being alone. Because i know that if i fight with one person it either gets solved or i can fall onto my other friends over the internet to talk to until any issues get pushed behind us.

So i'm more of myself on the internet than i am in real life unless you really know me. My best friend really knows me and the reason why i call her my best friend is because i've known her for eleven years, we've been friends for eleven years and we've never had a big fight, i cannot stay angry at her she makes it impossible for me. Now i'm not expecting that understanding within one year, it's obviously not going to happen.

But is it wrong to ask for a little benefit of the doubt at times? To ask that someone accept my brash nature after we argue, after i apologise continually for unknowingly hurting her, throughout my second chance, as i try to change to help this friendship last?

Am i being self centred in asking for a little help in trying to save this friendship? To take what i say on board and try and listen when i try to explain why i'm angry at her for something i feel that she said or did was attacking me?

Am i being self centred in saying that her saying i'm being arrogant when i cannot believe something about someone makes me feel like the lowest of the low?

Or is it just because she's gone through her whole life listening to other people's problems that she feels it's her turn now? Fair enough, i will listen to her problems and i will try and help in any way i can, i've told her that since the beginning of our friendship, i was furious when two of her closest friends hurt her, I know that i come on strongly, i will openly admit that, my best friend knows that and i feel that if i hide it from people that i'm not being myself. I don't hide it at school where i feel as if i'm clamouring to be around people, i'm following people around because i don't have anybody to hang around with, I don't have any close friends at school because my best friend moved schools. Not her fault, she had to go and i'm feeling the repercussions of that, and halfway into the year it doesn't feel like anything has changed as my closest friend apart from my best friend has recently dropped out.

So i'm sorry if it seems like i am being self centred but it's not intentional, i don't mean to unload everything on people, but i have no one to talk to right now. I tried talking to one of my friends about it, she had to go, i tried talking to my best friend about it, she had to go. the people i talk to most online aren't online i don't feel like i have anyone to talk to.

This girl wants me to be less self-centred, to be more aware of her pain, her suffering, but i hardly knew any of it. I don't see her, i don't know her family life apart from what she tells me. I'm sorry if in the next conversation i don't ask about how her family life is or if i forget that she went to hospital for some pain that i didn't really know about.

But isn't that what the opening question 'how are you?' is meant for? for you to tell the other person in the conversation how you're feeling, how sometimes people won't mind if you don't say 'fine' or 'alright' and say that you're in pain or that you've been to hospital or that you're life isn't great right now. Especially if the person asking is someone you talk to nearly every day. They don't talk to you everyday out of boredom, you don't have crappy little conversations that never really get past simple questions and answers.

It now feels like she expects me to just shut up about myself and inquire about her life, but if all she says is 'fine' how can i do that? How can i take anything from fine? Is it a 'fine but i'm really going through a very bad time' or 'fine why do you only talk to me when you're bored' or 'fine and i actually am fine, nothing bad's going on but nothing particularly great is happening either'. How can i know how someone is feeling through the word fine???

How can i question fine without prying? Without continually asking if she's sure she's fine. Wouldn't that just get annoying?? After fine there's only so much to talk about.

Also isn't expecting me to be completely focused on her and her problems self centred on her account? I haven't known her her whole life, i haven't ever talked over her when she needs to talk about her problems, at least i don't think that i have. There have been several times where she's spoken to me about her problems and i've listened and tried to give advice.

I've admitted and accepted the faults, i've accepted her yelling at me for my mistakes. Now i need to know if i'm in the wrong for asking for a little help.

I want to keep this friendship going, but i cannot apply to a friendship where i am continually thinking about what to say. Even with the people i hang around with at school i have the ability to say what i feel, even though more often than not i don't feel like i can speak up and prefer to listen instead.

I'm not asking people to listen to my problems, i'm just asking if they think i'm being self centred in asking for a little help to keep this friendship going.