This is what it's come to.

Honestly I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I want. Hell, I don't even know what's right anymore. I keep telling myself things are going to get better and that I'm going to find myself, but as the days go on I just lose hope in that. Like it's always been, things are leaving. I just don't know anymore. I'm sure I'm not even making sense anymore. I'm so sick of myself. Can you believe it? I'm sick of myself. I keep hurting him and I don't know why. I just do it. I want to be better, but I can't because I can't even grasp now. Everything I do is a lie, I don't even know why I do the things I do anymore or why I say the things I say. I think I'm so hurt right now that I'm sabotaging everything that's keeping me happy. The one boy I can't live without is the one person I'm making myself hate. I don't, but I don't know I just- he's always there and this raw anger hits me at the oddest moments. I just feel like I'm losing control. I'm tired of trying you know. Sometimes I tell myself this isn't worth it no matter how good it's getting. It always seems to be when my life is going somewhere, when I'm happy, the bad starts to surround me, caving me in. No one understands. I don't think they could, maybe I wont let them I don't know, but the problem is I don't even know.