The broken ramblings of a crying heart

I find myself so full of sorrow today. There is not much to smile about and I am having doubts about every aspect of my life. I am not really sure what good this will do but I am hoping that some how the deepest achings of my slowly disintegrating heart with show more than just the bleeding forms of black and blue markings barring the way to healing. I wish now more than ever to really be one with myself, to feel the combined energies of my sister spirits give me strength and peace of mind. To emerge ever so slowly into the rejuvinating waters of the ocean. letting it seep into my skin and wash every ungainly scar away leaving only beautiful skin, etching the immortal words of hope into the flesh not by way of cuts or burns and other such painful injurous methods but by the simple sweet molding of love and caring. To feel such things yearns my heart. To know the deepest depths of the human soul and to wish to dive further, reaching the very breaking point of the conscious state and moving purposefully into the subconscious. Begging my slow speaking spirit to will me into some form of action or purpose or even a reason for just standing still. I wish to know the destiny that is mine or at least have some inkling as to where my life is going...however alas I am still treading water on the pointless river that is life and watching the people I love pass me by. It happens so often I dont really notice it anymore. The more painful reminder is how unfull my own life is. The dreams I thought I had and the desires I dont know will come true pull desperately on my heart and beg me to complete them. I have doubts however and fear greatly the future. I am losing myself and I dont know where I went. Redefining my principles is a confusing time for me and its always hard on the people closer. As I grow older however I realize how big of a hypocrite I really am and have begun the slow loathing process that is turning my heart blacker than night. I dont really bleed true anymore, the lies that surround me lead my mind to fear and not trust anyone this burdens my soul and mind more than anyone would know I am breaking I fear and dont know how to fix myself, not to mention what am i to do with the rest of my life. I am burdened with fear...how do i fix that...I have never had this problem before.

The broken ramblings of a crying heart