Why?

Today I had my weekly tennis lesson but instead of my usual coach I had a substitute coach. Only thing is he is the brother of one of the girls in my class.

Usually I enjoy my lessons and they are heaps of fun but today was really bad. I couldn't help but feel like I was being judged by the coach. I mean, I am by no means skinny and I am not that great looking either. Playing there made me feel like he was judging me as the 'fat chick' who was in his tennis class. What really worries me is that he will now go and talk about the 'fat chick' in his class today to his sister...

But in general, this made me realise how much I really hate myself. I have zero self confidence, and half the time I honestly think that my friends talk to me just because they feel bad for me. I feel like all my marks in class and things are given to me as a sort of pity. I hate walking around the school because I feel so judged.

I hate going out to the shops with my friends or even family because I feel like I disgrace them. I am the fat chick who tags along. I hate clothes shopping with them because when my friends pick up the size 10 and I have to pick a bigger size, it hurts.

I never wear shorts. I avoid dresses. I don't wear skirts. Why? They all make me look HUGE.

I still dread going to parties and some days I refuse to get out of our car, from the fear of being judged, People always are watching. They see me and they don't see me but my fat ugly outside.

Every night, I wish that somehow, my body is just a costume that I will find out is fake and when I wake up a prettier, thinner girl will be left. But she never is there.

I also realised that I have no redeeming traits. I tried to think of one thing that I loved about myself, I couldn't. I still can't. I don't see anything worth loving.

Looking the mirror makes me want to just give up everything.

I want to be like all the other girls my age. Be able to wear the clothes I like, be able to play sports without worrying if my legs wobble, just things so stupid and simple that mean so much to me.

I know I shouldn't care about anyone else. But, god, I do. It kills me so much but I can't and probably won't ever stop. How sad is that?