Hello, My Sleepless Dream..

I haven't been sleeping a lot since a few days.
I don't know what it is, but it's driving me to the brink of self destruction.
I can't pay attention, my head is always interferring with things that aren't actually to the matter at the point, my stomach roars, my heart is filled with butterflies, my knees act weak and yet I feel like a train wreck..

Some people say that I'm secretly in love.

But could I really be? I mean, after all the shit from the depths of damnation I thought I could never fall for anyone anymore..
It's this guy, I asked him out to see a movie with me.
Actually mainly because I didn't want to go alone and he's a friend of mine..
But since I asked him out, he's acting different around me, letting me see another side of him I didn't noticed till now.
And to be completely fair, I think I'm starting to like him more than usual.
It's driving me nuts, I can't even think straight.
He makes me feel weak and small all the time..

Is this just a fidgement of the imagination? Is it just a stupid fling or some idiotic phase of loneliness maybe?
I don't know, what I do know is that I'm sitting here at a computer waiting for him to show up. And that's truly ridiculous..
Hoping that he might enter the lab, come off the stairs or tap me on the shoulder.

How weird is that?

I can't call it a crush.. I don't just know what it is. And when I tell him I can't sleep at nights, he keeps saying that I'm in love with someone.
I can’t actually deny it even though I want to. So I just keep telling him that I don’t know, while he keeps teasing me and saying things like: You’re not denying it so it just has to be true!
Then he smirks and tells me that he will stop teasing me.
The thing is, he doesn’t know it’s about him.. I think..
And I don’t feel like shouting it in his face too..
Because I’m not even entirely sure of it myself!!

This is so hard, I don’t even know what the hell I’m feeling anymore lately..
It’s not fair, I’m not even ready for a new relationship at the point.
Yet I keep thinking of him, I keep smiling when he talks to me and I can’t be any happier when he asks me to go outside for a smoke. No matter how bad the weather is..

This started a week ago, and right now I feel like I’ve been hit by a train and scraped off of the tracks with nothing more than a spoon..
It’s bad, this is really bad. I don’t want to say anything about it to him because I might hurt his feelings if it turns out the other way.
He’s giving me sings though, signs that he likes me and want to be close with me.
I’m afraid of myself.. And what I am even more afraid of is the date..

We’re seeing a movie, movie theater equals dark, equals sitting close next to each other equals nervousness equals kissing..
I just know it’s going to happen.
And for fuck sake I don’t know what to do. I want to kiss him, but still I don’t want to kiss him.
I’m afraid he expects more of me after that..

And he keeps flirting with me trying to be a bit subtle when he cracks a smile about what another guy said to me. (That guy is really the ugliest kid in town and he said my eyes looked heavenly.)
And when he smiles I feel something roaring deep inside of me, having a sudden hunger or anything. To jump at him and claim him mine..

And this is really giving me sleepless nights, dreams that don’t make any sense at all and the weird hunger of being with him close.
Maybe this is just a thing based on lust.. It could also be an option..
But love and lust are two entirely different things.. Though it sometimes feel likes lust I don’t think it’s the thing.

I don’t know what’s happening, and it’s driving me to the end..
I can't have a crush on him.. It's just impossible.. It can't be.. Can it?

xoxoxo