emo cast for this year

ok i literally can't post this on anything else because too many people read all the other pages i write on but i need to vent right now cause im crazy stressed

so i am a freshman in colle. a bio and photo major. I literally have to be the dumbest kid in the bio program everyone else is pre med or chemistry, i'm field study (one of a supposed 7, have yet to meet a single other one of the 7). My photo class isn't going well. my prof has basically told me multiple times i don't have the creative eye. he is a nice guy and he is just being honest. my confidence right now in my photo skills is literally about zero, i feel like a hermit crab who just wants to retreat into her shell. i have so much to get done in the next 28 days it's rediculous. it isn't helping that everyone is posting about thsi girls photo page , im not going to say her name cause she truley is a great photog but for purposes of me needing to vent she will just stay she, but she is now the one person who made me feel like i was ever good at photo's like best friend and she is now his photog (i use to take photos for him and him telling me he liked the photos or getting excited to see them or smiling when he saw one he liked gave me the ambition to be a photo major gave me the love for photo and confidence(at the time) that i was good. everyone would say to me that i am just jealous because i use to like him, ok people seriously. i know he never liked me , we are friends(or so i hope) and i truley just valued his opinion. but i am kinda jealous because she is a great photographer and like everyone back home loves her. i also feel that i can't post any of the emotions on my blogs or anything because i need to stay happy at all times i can't get upset or sad or depressed about anything i have to be happy , cause well , no one likes a depressed girl... idk ... everything is just very difficult right now, things at home aren't getting any better, idk where i am going to be next semester. there are days when i literally feel like i can't feel God anymore. it has nothing to do with God it has to do with the fact that i havn't been giving my all to be close to him. i feel like im doing everything wrong. and i can't tell anyone that. the kid i use to shoot photos for is the kid i have always looked up to in my faith and on top of all the reasons he has to not talk to me the last thing that needs to be added to that is the fact that im feeling distant from the God i love the most (and the new photog is the perfect Christian girl who never strays from God) idk im scared right now cause i don't like feeling this way and i don't like letting others now i feel this way which is why im posting here cause i know no one will ever read this. but life right now is really difficult. also i have a huge opportunity for next semester to go to china but i dont' know if im strong enough spiritually or physically and i don't want tot cause damage over there. idk im just confused. also i have a few friends , one in particular, who is a good friend but he is hardcore against christianity he is a deist, and he is hardcore against missions, and its just disconcerting because i have been trying for so long to help him see christ. what is wrong with me that i can't even help others come to love the thing i love the most. i also am afraid to go home as much as i want to go home. im not a part of my youth group anymore so i have no clue what to do this summer cause i pretty much spent my last summer at church and i don't want to bug my youth minister about how im feeling about life right now cause he has the youth to deal with but im not sure who else to talk to.i also don't know where my home will be this summer. and i have to spend the first month finding homes for my dogs and realizing that i can't afford my dogs surgery and what that means. also im going to be the only college student hoem for a month and during that time im going to very quickly realize how much things have changed.