big mistake

have you ever made the biggest mistake of your life before? i have. I turned every single word i spoke into one huge lie. Not even one worth my time. Turns out the saying what goes around comes around is true. I lied to everyone in my life. Especially the man i loved most.
I just probably ruined the relationship that meant most. He kept me sane. I lied. Now i say how much i want things back. Can you say pathetic. I screwed up every single thing in my life. All starting with one lie. One little lie. The one you say is a white lie. No one will find out. No one will notice how the truth is buried. The lies became faster to spin. To say. Some people want to say that person wasn't them,someone else they say. No! Unfortunately the truth is your to scared to say what is looking back at you. You say how your sorry. That is also wrong because those who lie are only thinking maybe I can do it again later on. Just stop thinking all together,stop! My boyfriend lost his feelings for me. My best friend has turned away from me. No one even sees me. The thing that hurts a lot is that I started to feel the pain i lied about. The imaginary tears that ran down my face. I want everything, but I'm the girl who will turn her back when you need her most. A hypocrite some say.
The truth is I fucked up. I lost the people who meant most to me. I cant seem to move. I cant throw another punch. I can't even seem to stand up. I brought myself to the ground. I'm begging mercy to myself. I'm caught in between love and hate. When i was honest ONE person changed me. left me. practically formed the scars i wear. Is the source of all my fears and pain. Now. I'm. Lost. The only person that took my hand when i was hurt can't seem to look at me with the same look. All i see is disgust in his eyes. I want to be me,but when i was people left. I want security. love. I'm the girl no one sees. no one listens to. I wanted the past all to go away. To me? It took a lie. one lie. Then they just over took. My life spiraled out of control. Out of reach. Death? ONE thought. Life? ONE chance. I walk the thin line between the two. I have become two people. When you do that how do you make two equal one? I can't take one away. I most certainly cant add another. I fell and never hit the ground until last night. My hear slowly beating. My blood? That running short. I became a puppet to my lies. they controlled me. The truth?? ha! Thats a simple question with way to many answers.
One side is squeaky clean. The other filled with lies. LOVE. HATE. I fell in love with a guy. I wanted myself protected. I wanted love. Then my anger. That made words heard. screamed. I only wanted him to hurt like i did. Then happiness. love. The power to my heart. the side who wanted to take care of him. Make him feel. Protect him from me. A silly quest to find myself. Has become the war of my life. Fear. Hurt. Pain. Love. Happiness. Hope. Thats all i see now. Its all a blur. Until I'm in such darkness,black. Mo light. I lost all that mattered. I feel worthless. I love him unconditionally. Irrevocably. His happiness has become all that has mattered. Now i see it was hurt. Hurt? The reason i lied. I saved myself. How selfish. How greedy. love? The reason i wrote this. Anyone who has lied to someone that they care deeply about stop now. Save them not you. ZANE? Hes the reason i wrote this. for him. I truly apologize. The lost i caused. The pain i caused. The lies are done. I love you.