dead to me

dear dad: fuck you. your a fucking martyr and want to pretend like i somehow did you wrong? HA FUCKIN HA! thats bull and you know it! i dont know how you look in the mirror everymorning and dont put a bullet in that stupid face. you destroyed me and now IM playing a victim? again i must repeat, thats bull. im not blasting at the top of my lungs how you destroyed me, im simply picking up what i can of my life and moving on. its been a year and im still suffering from it. you almost destroyed yourself. POOR YOU. you almost destroyed me but im supposed to be ok with that? im supposed to just smile and pretend im all better and im part of a loving family? you want to come in and be daddy again? HELL NO! you gave up that right. you threw yourself out of this family. lets look at what you lost shall we? you lost the wife that you bitched about TO YOUR DAUGHTER. that you told your child you didnt love. you lost your kids who you NEVER SPENT TIME WITH because you were always working and drinking. you lost the TRAILER you left us in and moved into an apartment to live alone WHICH YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU WISHED YOU COULD. you still have your buisness and you still have your friends and your brother. you still have jiujitsu and everything that you spent time on before. hmm that doesnt sound like your suffering too bad...now lets take a look at what i have to deal with: i lost my dad. my brother hates me because of what you did. i cant look at myself with out seeing you. i lost a year of school because of the depression you caused. i lost airborne school. i lost my best friend. lets just say, i lost everything. but GOD FORBID i tell my mother that i feel as if you caused it. hahaha nope, that just means that im playing a fucking victim. that just means that im trying to get everyone to feel sorry for me. you want to pretend you know me? you want to tell me im just like every other teenage girl? i used to be special, but i guess now that youve degraded me and made me insufficient im now somehow average? ive got news for you: im no where near average. im great. im going somewhere. and my boyfriend loves me. not like you, using women for sex and fucking the next skinny woman you see even though my mother loved you. and GOD my mother still loves you. if you say the sun fell and hit the earth today she believes it, after twenty years of your lies she still believes it, and you use that to your advantage. you used it just yesterday to cut me down. was i too happy for you for a minute? i guess i have to be totally destroyed everyday for the rest of my life for you to be happy huh? well you know what? fuck that and fuck you. i WILL be happy even if i have to move to the other side of the world. your a disease. you disgust me. i hope your GOD can look at you, because i cant. you make me sick. the opposite of love isnt hate, its not caring, and guess what, i dont care. im angry, im filled with rage and every day i feel like im screaming at the top of my lungs inside my head. but i dont care about you. i dont care what happens to you. i dont care what you do. i dont care what you say. you mean nothing. if i close my eyes and i focus, i can reduce you to a word and then release the word into the wind and its gone. gone from me. gone from the world. gone even from the memory of the word. your still alive. but your dead to me.