YOU JUST CAN'T DO IT!

April 4th 1:30 AM

okay, so you have a hard couple of days. that does not you should find the closest sharp object and slit your throat with it. you get disappointed - GET OVER IT! it happens to the best of us. for the longest time you've been someone everyone could run to when they were feeling dead inside. if you go, who will they turn to?

"you can talk to me abt anything." - you

well, who wants to talk to a broken, DEAD body? especially when it'll have nothing to say back. you say the only thing stopping you is the four people who you know would kill themselves if you did it... i srsly hope i'm one of those four, because you mean more to me than i let on. you are scaring the shit out of me when you talk like this. i'm pretty sure i love you, kid. and if you do this i'll never forgive you for leaving me here. you have SO MUCH going for you. don't end it here, because you'll only leave people behind to pick up your pieces.

i wish you wouldn't put on that act and be this real with me every time we talk.

"and i swear that you don't have to go..."

they said it perfectly. and DON'T FUCKING TELL ME YOU'LL BE FINE IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT!! that will kill me more than you could ever imagine. not to be arrogant or to rub it in your face, but i have a pretty good life, and i don't want it to end here because of someone i really care about ending their life.

"blow the candles out - looks like a solo tonight."

PLEASE!

fucking please. don't make me sing that song? i really don't know how many times i can say this, but you're really killing me right now. i wish i knew what words to say, so MAYBE you'd feel ridiculous for even considering suicide, but i know i don't mean that much to you. but as stated earlier, think about those you do care about.

and thanks for that. i really do see now how much i mean to you. and suddenly... i'm not so scared anymore.

but. i found where you truely are. you're back?

and, there you go.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!

i don't know what it is that changed you, but one damn thing is for sure: i don't like it at all. i realize now that i'm trying to fish the words "i love you" out of your throat.

"don't set yourself short - don't let yourself off."

just sayin.

i wish you weren't so difficult to talk to. one minute, i love everything you say, then the next, i just wish you would shut the hell up. you're so confusing. it's hard to tell when you mean something, and you're easily misinterperated. just... FUCK YOU, but don't you dare leave me alone. and don't tell me (or think) i'm just ignorant, and i don't know what you're going through, because i do know. have you ever been so close to suicide that all you had to do was step off the ladder and the noose would crush your neck?

no? ....

didn't think so.

looks like i know more than you think. i stared death / regret / guilt in the face and said 'no'. i'm stronger than you know. these scars aren't here for no reason. they belong to a story i never want to re-tell.

i hate you. but i fucking love you to death.

if you have a heart, stay with me?

ps; it kind of worries me that you haven't written back yet. you promised. remember that?

don't make me think these past few months were just a lie.

please?