I used to have this constant facination with the night time and darkness, but now I view things from a different point of view. Ever since *cough* fell in lo- *interupted by random friend* Excuse me? I know I have fallen in love my fair share if times and it lasted for, what, a week or two? But, this is different, sweetheart. There are levels of love (you can only go so far online, but you can develop it more if you actually have in-person contact whenever), and this time I got to go further than loving someone only online (oh, how much I dread the thought of living WAY too far apart, such as, say, one living in South Wales and the other right at the top or Britain, or maybe even living on Mars).
My point is, being able to have in-person contact is so much better, besides the akwardness when the two of you are having high adrenalin levels and your heart is racing. *cough*
So, don't no one note myrather terrible love-detecting skills and theirvery big flaws in the past - because I have been in a strong, dedicated relationship for, what, say nearly two months or so now. Like everyone, I have had ups and downs in it that, I will admit, came from my slightly selfish attitude as, if you love that person, you wouldn't want to hurt them. I came to realize that when I literally hurt myself. Physically. On purpose. And tried to take my life. Dispite it being a negative event and the silence or anger and emotional pain that came from it, it seemed to honestly make the love stronger. This stems from that fact that I saw how me hurting myself truely made that person feel, showing me the extent of love their is: "I refuse to let you die because I love you." That kind of extent of love. Seeing that, it made me get both feelings of guilt and feeling deeply loved inside. Feeling guilt proves to them that it hurt me to see that I hurt them (yes, love is complicated like that). It impacted on me, and it made me change, made me refuse to hurt myself, made me show that I want that person to be happy, and that I will live for them.
It is learning from your (well, mine) mistakes when in a relationship. I always thought I knew the ins and outs of love and relationships, but I was wrong. I learnt something new from the sitation where I tried to kill myself, and I hurt myself. I learnt that, if you love someone, you should never do things like that. For them. Because you love them. Now that I know that, I promise... to never do that again. For them. As tempted as I get to hurt myself and take my own life because life has thrown some bad crap my way (the most recent was death of my mother, my irresponsible and depressed stepfarther, alcohol, lonliness, and some things too person to state), I should remind myself: they need me. No matter what anyone says to me (my family is known to be negative about me), they know me. My family may be my bloodline, but the person I love just so happens to know me more than my own mother ever did. I tell my family nothing about me, as they just seem to judge badly, but there is someone who I can tell anything and everything. That certain person, they'll know my deepest, darkest secrets before I know it.
I told them lots of my past, my true reaction to my mother's death, how I really feel about the way my stepdad is (said it briefly one time: "I'm afraid he'll commit suicide... I... Just the thought of lossing him as my stepfarther when he isn't even old will destroy me. I never had a real dad and lost my mom... I don't want to lose the only person who I ever got to view as a farther.").
I must flee the Mibbian Homeworld now! Someone wants into this room. Damn, the aliens have possed my stepdad again. Sigh.
Oh, and the person I was talking about knows who they are. You know who you are. :)
*evactuates room*
Not registered?
Create an account