Friday, 17 April, 09

Yeah, so what. Im sitting at my bruvvas computer at quarter to 1 in the morning eating cupcakes, chocolate and drinking white wine. Very nice white whine. I have no freakin idea whats happened to me. I used to never drink. I used to never do anything sexual. I used to be so kept in. Yeah, I enjoy life now, but I still feel fucking empty.

I was fucked around for a month by Shannon. I texted her, she texted back, I texted her, she texted back. It was a conversation. Surely if she didn't want to talk she would have just stop texting. But no, she kept on talking to me. She told me she loved me as a friend. She told me she saw me as a brother. Worse still, she fucking told me everything was going to be okay. She fucking comforted me, she told me everything was going to be okay! I was fucking braking down, my mates where being cocks, work was so godam stressful and draining, and I had a slight emotional overload after seeing my mums ex boyfriend, who was pretty much a dad to me, and he left us. Just fucking left us. Shannon knew what I was going through. And she knew how much I fucking loved her. So she turned around, and stabbed me in the fucking back. She didn't just stab me in the fucking back, she metaphorically engulfed me in flames. I only ever talked to her over the phone twice. Now she says I was always trying to call her, always following her, always texting her. She hangs out in the same area as my mates. So whenever I talked to my mates, she assumed I was following her. For two weeks straight I didn't fucking sleep, I didn't fucking eat, I always felt like there were weights tied to my body, my head was permanently killing, I was always throwing up because my body couldn't keep down food. She was fucking destroying me. The only way I could get over the depression was to turn it into anger and now I just want to hurl a chair through the fucking wall.

People don't understand what I mean when I say I just want someone to hug and hold and tell them I love them. The only people like that for me was Kodi and Kylie. Kodi doesn't count because shes a backstabbing bitch of a whoremonger, and Kylie im so close to, but there isn't anything there anymore. My life is cliche fucking teenage drama. Everytime I write about something it's always chicks. The people I end up falling in love with either fuck me over directly or indirectly. Usually the latter. Lauren, she stopped talking to me, and still doesn't, that was four years ago, Katrina, loved her two years straight, my only worse experience being dad leaving me when I was six. Alicia, we were so fucking close, then she rejected me saying she didn't want to lose our friendship, but it shattered me so fucking much it made us further apart. Emma, I thought she was my ticket to happiness after so much fucking depression. Yet again rejected. THen kylie made my life fucking brilliant for a over a year. Then Shannon fucking shattered me. And there is probably yet another line up of miserable heartbreaks lined up.

Its gotten to a point where I'm actually scared of love. I feel so fucking empty untill I have that one person telling me it's going to be okay, and the truth is, when I don't have someone to run to, it won't be okay, it never is fucking okay. Dad left me, then I loved Joe as a dad, then he pissed off, I spent most of highschool constantly taking shit from wankers, I've been bombarded with rejection, I can't help but think of all the people that I was close to, that I thought they would be my happiness. And then they have to fucking tear me to fucking shreds.