April 15th, 2009 Visiting in Fox Chase Cancer Center

(ignore it if you can't understand some things)

Mama and i picked up Mommom Carole and we headed up to Pennsylvania to Fox Chase Cancer Center where we would stay for the day to keep Aunt Janet company while my Aunt Kel goes into surgery to remove more breast tissue and some lymph node tissue as well; some of the tests taking on her were unclear and they need to remove more tissue to make sure the cancer is gone. And since Breast Cancer can also turn into Ovarian cancer, they need to remove an ovary as well...
Fox Chase Cancer Center is huge. The parking garage was fun getting into. We parked on the second level and walked into the entrance. And Aunt Kel and Aunt Janet were walking towards us just as we entered. Didn't get to make contact though until Aunt Kel had that admission thing done. And then Aunt Kel was gone to get changed and put into a room for
i-v's to prepare her body for the procedures. We sat in a waiting room and met their friend Joan. She's tall, skinny, short balck hair, and seemingly crazy. She reminded me, in a sense, of my Aunt Kel. And then we were able to go into Aunt Kel's room...
It wasn't right. She didn't deserve to be lying in that hospital bed. I stood in a corner away from everyone else who was almost glued to the bed. I appreciate what hospitals (mostly this one) does and tries to save lives but oh my gosh I didn't enjoy it. I was beyond happy to be there with my Aunts but not for this purpose. I felt dizzy. And was offered to sit down but refused.
Aunt Kel was keeping her mood its normal self despite what was about to come. And my Aunts had so many friends working at this hospital. Several came in and one even did a prayer for my Aunt. Aunt Kel was holding the purple stuffed frog I had given her as good luck; and now the frog had a metal guardian angel attached to its body. I eventually went and stood by my Aunt's bed side to show her the pink strip in my hair (to show awareness of Breast cancer). I even got a picture with her taken by my Mama using my phone.
Oh...and they don't approve of my vegetarian ways. At least I am eating, I thought sadly. And I'm not a full blown one. I just want to gradually gain back the protein and other shit I lost from my depression state.
We had several laughs in that room. It must have been at least two hours we were in there talking. Operations were running late.
And then things got emotional.
Doctors came in and began unhooking things to go do the surgeries. I held back tears...a little. Everyone else was crying too, mostly Aunt Kel who still managed to keep a straight face while giving her family and friend goodbye hugs. Janet and Joan were the first to give hugs, then my ma, then Mommom Carole, and lastly me. "You'll be OK," I said as she threw her arms around my shoulders. "I know, honey-I love you," she said trying to be optimistic through the tears. "Love you-," I choked out before adding 'like a mom' and walked out of the room so they could roll the bed away. Our group (Janet, Joan, Ma, Carole and I) turned in the opposite direction of where they took Aunt Kel. But I stared off as I got one last look of my Aunt Kel as they took her away from me.
We went and sat in a new waiting room on the third floor. After maybe 10 mins we went and got lunch. Sticking to my vegetarian ways, I ate (tried to) the salad ordered by a sub shop down the road from the hospital. The cafeteria was nice, pretty damn big. "So Erin," Aunt Janet began looking at me,"Do you think you're fat?" "No," I said truthfully. I liked how I looked. She thought I needed more protein in my diet. "Aunt Kel has enough to worry about. We don't want her worrying about you too," Janet pointed out. And this was true. After we ate, Janet took us to a little coffee shop near the entrance we came through and bought me the almonds I was craving. And then we went back up to the third floor to the waiting room we were last in and just sat aroung and talked. We had already been informed (after leaving lunch) that Aunt Kel's breast tissue was negative; so no cancer. Which was awesome!
Doctors would come over to us and inform us on things. Joan sat on a big sofa while Carole, Ma, Janet and I sat in a circle in chairs. I curled up in a ball just as powerful emotions hit. And cried. "Erin?" Janet, Ma, and Carole kept asking but I just shook my head. "So far everythings good, honey, she'll be just fine," Aunt Janet repeated several times. I knew this. It was just hard to know what she's been through. I don't think I'll be OK until all the news comes out, I thought after about ten mins of hiding my face.
Once that event was over, a nurse walks over to us,"She's good. She's clean. Looks like a million bucks." And because of this, another procedure didn't have to be made. The ovary was removed so basically everythings good. Aunt Janet jumped up and hugged the nurse and then Joan. While she's beaming and bouncing off walls, it finally hits me. My mom is going to be OK. I couldn't help but call my Aunt Kel a mom right now. I started bawling. I felt mixtures of emotions at this point.
Mommom Carole hugged me. I lost it even more. "Erin, honey," my Ma said as she let me bawl into her shoulder. This was the hardest I've ever cried in my entire life. I striaghtned myself to laugh at a comment made by Mama about Aunt Kel's 'million dollar body'.
"Erin?" Aunt Janet asked opening her arm out to give me a hugs. And I lose it again! Aunt Janet ends up holding me as I'm unable to control my emotions. "It's OK, Erin, it's OK. Did you hear what doctors' said? She's a fighter; she's strong. She fought for us..." I can't remember all she said but I was feeling better and calming down.
"Uh!" Mama says after our rejoicing that lastest five to ten mins. "I need a drink," she motioned for me to follow her down the hall to the bending machine to clear my throat as well. After we got our drinks she turns to me curiously,"Whats?-Whats the matter? W-Why do you keep crying like this?-" she stops as I let go of my emotions again and bow my head as I cry extremly hard. Mama embraces me and asks if its just the fact that Aunt Kels is ok or that I'm overwhelmed. "Both," I managed to say. I mumbled something. "What?" she asks still not letting go. "It's so fucking overwhelming!" I say louder. She lets me go into the bathroom so I could blow my nose and calm down. Good news here, awful news in Florida. My eyes were a lime greenish blue. My eyes were always changing color but they've never been so pretty. It was like I was seeing myself for the first time.
One of the reasons I was crying uncontrolably was because of the things I could've done to myself. I went through losing my appetite and not making any attempts to make it better. I wanted to slit my wrist at one point. And I had even wished to be struck by a SUV or a Peterbilt of some sort. And if that would've happened, what would that have done? My grandfather's days may be limited as were Poppop Russell's and Richard's but not my mom Aunt Kel. She was gonna be OK.
And so was I.
Leaving was hard. We made our departure at 4pm after Janet walking us to our car. We exchanged hugs. "Thank you, Janet," I said while hugging her. I wasn't able to see my mom Aunt Kel since she was in recovery. "Tell her I love her like a mommy," I told Janet while walking towards the car's backseat doors. "I know...I will," she said calmly. Everybody knew! Before exiting while making another trip into the bathroom I told Mama how I thought of Aunt Kel as a mom. "I know you do honey," she had replied. I make it obvious, I assumed.
During the ride home I have silent crying moments the further we got away from my Aunts. And I was able to talk to Aunt Kel by cell phone on the ride only I coudn't understand her to save my life. She called again maybe an hour later to talk to Carole and I was able to talk to her agian, this time understanding her words. "Love you like a mommy!" I said cheerfully. "Thank you...Love you too," she responded slowly.
Getting home was blurry. As I was finally falling asleep, I knew things were gonna be fine...