Fifteen Fathoms & Counting - BMTH

April 18th 10:39 PM

it took everything i had - every ounce of strength - to keep myself from slicing my wrist with that razor a few minutes ago. it just sat there, staring me down, calling my name. TEMPTINGME. i was able to ignore it though, barely, as my hands shook wildly while cleaning my hair.

all i want to do right now is cry. and i really dont care if you think i'm weak for it. i'm sure you wouldn't, but you've been surprising me lately. i never know with you anymore.

you've changed...

for a while, i've felt like i couldn't tell you anything. so, needless to say, i was utterly shocked when i decided to tell you about my thoughts of suicide. and even more? you didn't freak out. you hugged me. you told me you loved me. you said i could always talk to you when i needed you.

that was just a week ago. where did you go? and why do i feel like i can't say anything to you again? i want bragging rights of a perfect family. i haven't seen my dad in months because you don't want to travel four hours. I MISS AND NEED MY FATHER - because the man you're trying to force into the void doesn't fit. give me my smile, warmth, happiness back.

i should've just let you hit me tonight. i know you wanted to. i should've yelled at you, telling you to do it. face it; we'd both love to see me swim in a pool of my own blood every once in a while.

"same shit ; different day"

same. shit.

i want to feel like you love me because you do, not because it comes in the job description. treat me like your daughter, not like someone you got out of bad luck. i'm sorry, but i wish i got to choose as well.

i never really thought you were ever truely listening for what i meant, but you were just hearing what i said instead. nothing i seem to say sticks with you. so all i have left to do is write until my hand breaks, bleed until my body shakes and cry until my eyes ache. and i'll have to bite my tongue, because if i don't i'll be picking myself up off the floor (without your help).I FUCKING HATE YOU MOM!

i never want to say that, but, damnit, i say what i feel. i just wish you would try to understand me and where i come from. just, TRY. that's all i ask for.

i'm packing my bags tonight. the next time tonight happens again, i'm gone. and if you want to see me, you know where to find me.