Coming Out of the Cave

Dysfunctional families are like the prisoners in Plato’s cave in that they are often unable to get past the parameters of the closed system established by family dynamics in childhood to see that there can be more to life than what they have experienced in the past. This system is like the chains holding the people from their childhood so they can only see the shadows in the cave. Learning to look beyond one’s conditioning is similar to the painful process of turning from the shadows and looking at the sun - a difficult, though necessary, endeavor to pursue if one wants to grow and change.

Speaking from personal experience, I grew up in a home where we were not allowed to question the way things were. My Mom had a predetermined role for my sisters and I to play, and there were unpleasant consequences to stepping outside of our roles. I, unfortunately, had an inquisitive mind, and often bore the consequences of asking the dreaded why question. As a result, I grew up with the feeling that I didn’t fit in, and carried that feeling on into school, where I expected not to fit in and acted accordingly. This did not make me very popular with my peers, and I grew up isolated and with low self-esteem. I could not see past the dysfunction of my family or the opinions of the people around me. I made a series of unhealthy life choices, and when I became a mother, I passed a lot of my dysfunction on to my children.

It wasn’t until I read Stephen Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” that I realized that I could look beyond my upbringing and my self limiting beliefs to become more of the person I was capable of being. Stephen Covey said two things that brought me out of the shadows. The first was that as human beings we have the capability of imagination and the ability to change our paradigm – how we see ourselves and the world we live in – and the second was we are response-able – we have the power to stop and think about how we respond to people or a situation– we are not limited to knee jerk reactions. For me, that was like turning around and seeing the sun for the first time. I began to envision having a different family life, and the possibility of taking the rest of my life and choosing what I wanted to do with it. Looking at the truth of my self-limiting beliefs and my failings as a parent were painful – but with the pain came hope and a new passion for life.

So I started making choices and changes. My children and I began talking every day – about school, about ideas, about what they liked and what they didn’t like. We also have been television free for three years, which has encouraged my children to read and think more – and it gives us more opportunities to talk and discuss and debate. I share my world views with them and ask them to think about what their world views might be. Now I’m in the process of teaching them how to interact with people outside of our family so they can have the opportunity to hear other people’s perspectives. I want my children to be able to think outside of the box – to reason and think and consider the ideas and philosophies of others so they’ll each have the chance to become their own person based on the truth that all people have value and each person has dignity and worth because they are human beings. I want them to understand that people having different ideas and beliefs does not make them bad – it makes them unique.