Raving on.

I'm just a teenager, dealing through the same shit.
But its getting so hard, Im not strong enough, mentally or physically.
I can't handle these pressures... Its all about appearance, isn't it?
Everything, its all about your stupid fucking appearance, its true and its so hard to admit to people because you yourself want to pretend its not.
Its such a big deal for girls to be pretty, if your not pretty its so much harder.
I haven't had it easy and I think I'm going to explode.
I've been through so many eating disorders, over and over..Losing, gaining. this ENDLESS cycle, it just never stops... Never.
Every where I turn, pretty girl, skinny girl, girl with boyfriend
Why arn't I that girl? I try so hard, I diet, I exercise, I never eat unhealthy, I only eat meat and veg! I'm the one in my friends who won't go out to eat, that FREAK who stays at home all the time ashamed of her body, or worse I sit there smiling pretending I'm not hungry.

Watching myself lose weight is one of the best feeling you can get, watching yourself gain is like watching a person die, its like watching yourself die.
I just want to be happy with myself, but ill never be, ill never be good enough for myself because ill never be perfect.
But atleast I could just lose some weight and keep it off...
If I'm not pretty and skinny, ill never get a chance being an actor, and then what is the point of all I've worked for?

I'm weak, I'm in tears and I'm just not good enough anymore, for anyone.
This is the only place, the only site I can write and no one I know will see..
I have no privacy in my life apart from this site.
I really need help.
Sorry I'm bitching.