Going to War

This is a follow-on journal from my last journal behind this one.In the previous one, I mentioned nightmares foreshadowing actualy events in my life, and that then led on to me talking about the voices in my head and my two worst enemies: 9 Greenmount Street and the voices in my head.

The title says it all: I'm going to war... with myself. Now, don't go thinking that I'm going to be getting physical with myself. Nope, that's not happening. This is about the level of control that me and my darker side (the voices) keep fighting over. As a darker side, it torments me, tells me anything good is a dream, tells everyone hates me, tells me to end my life. I decided that it is time to fight back and eliminate the darker side.

It is actually simple. I just need inspiration and courage to help me through, and hope. I can fight away my negative thoughts and voices, I can fight away my shyness, too. If I fight the negative thoughts off, I can be happier, making it easier for me to get over some of my shyness. I'm shy in that fact that I always avoid eye contact with people, I stray away from the tinyest of crouds, and I also get paranoied that everyone is looking at me. Though some would find it hard to imagine, but I was once the type of person that always had something to say or ask, that was always blasting away at people with words; I was a person that could never shut up. That gradually changed due to the voices developing in my head, telling me bad things. People have told me that if I fend them off, I will gradually get bits of my old self back, become the talkative person that I used to be.

I used to go out to shops and much more for a full day, and my parents wouldn't see me at all. I was always out. That was down to friendship, though. I lost all my friends from around age 11/12 to 15 because they started getting into drugs, and they even preasured me to join them in it. Over that course, I had no reason to talk to people or even leave the same room, and so I became isolated. Another bad thing was, I left school some months early, at that made it so that I had nothing to do at all, no one to talk to, ect.. Then I became serverely depressed about leaving and having to put up with alcoholic parents every single night.

Things have turned a bit now. I only have a stepfarther now because my mother died, and he barely drinks at all now. With the alcohol and violence out of my life, depression decreases. I don't stay in the same room with the curtains closed all day (unless I want privacy!) and the light off now. I can normally been seen in the living room, with its curtains not even there, making it so that pure day light shines in. Therefore, I am getting light. I even occasionally open the window. I only go out if someone wants to take me somewhere or I have an appointment. Still, I choose to go. When going outside for my own reason, I prefer it local. I only just noticed how much I changed: I was previously staying in a dark room day in and out, rotting away; but, now I do get air, day light, and the occasional go-out. It should be noted that endless darkness is known to make people depressed, so I have started to take these sunny days we're having as a good ticket away from depression. I mean, pure sunny days make me feel really happy.

I will become the person that I used to be very soon. If some of my fears came true, then surely my wants can, too! Like someone said to me, "Matthew Reynolds is still in there somewhere. I know he isn't completely lost." Matthew Reynolds is what people commonly come to describe the real me, the one who has a fair ballance of emotions and not too much of one.

Just a few more sunny days and social contact through the next few weeks, and I will become ME again. The voices are lossing this battle. They kept me isolated for far too long, but now I'm close to defeating them.