your lipstick, his collar.

don't bother, angel, i know exactly what goes on.

today has sucked.
i woke up to a downpour with sore muscles and my mother yelling at me for being late last night.
i woke up with my boy on my mind, knowing that i might not see him until friday. and hating it.
i woke up with my friends on my mind, wondering what mischief i would get into today and with who, hoping that at least one person would be involved.
i woke up to remember my brother's girlfriend's baby shower today.
i woke up to a rat's nest of hair, my lion's mane a tangled beast.
i woke up wondering why i do this.
i wondered why i spend so long trying to get myself to look a certain way.
i wondered why i bother with make up when i hate putting it on or taking it off, but i hate lookign at myself without it.
i wondered why i feel like i actually had fun this weekend when i didn't get to see the love of my life at all.
i wondered why i couldn't scrub the sharpie off anymore.
i wondered why i thought to myself so much,
and then wondered why i opened my mouth to ask someone else to wonder with me.
especially when they are leaving.
then i wondered when i would see them before they were gone.
i wondered why it mattered to me, or why i tried to make it matter to someone else.
i went to the baby shower.
it was... eh.
i sat with girls from work who made me feel a little better,
but still call me their little sister,
reminding me that i'm the youngest.
i'm always the youngest.
in every group of friends.
i wondered if my friend would actually get me the bottle,
or if i would have to employ other lines of access.
i wondered why i was still at the baby shower.
i left,
wishing i could go home,
knowing i would return to my current place of residence,
completely empty.

i want.

why?

xx