Giving In

Tonight will be when I cave. I held out last night; stopped myself, was able to go without giving in to the urge. But today it's too strong, today I'm weak. He said he's proud of me for getting through last night, that if I did it then I can get through it today, and tomorrow, and any other time I like. It doesn't work like that. I've held out for longer this time; longer than usual and it's killing me, imagining what I could do to myself, and how it will make me feel better. I don't get why, I don't understand, all I know is that I need it, I need it to feel better, and it's taken control again. I can't hold out much longer. I want to stop, of course I want to stop, I just don't know how. It seems like so much effort when...when I could just feel better by cutting occasionally. I don't know. I just know...I think it's necessary to survive. I don't know. I don't even understand myself anymore. I've tried, I've tried so hard for him, but I can't, I can't hold out anymore. Distracting myself with other stuff doesn't work now, all I can think of is the next time I'll cut, the next time I'll be able to feel relief.