"The world isn't bliss when you're trying to hide, all you can see is the darkness making you blind."

In the last eight months, I’ve come to realize what kind of person I truly am.

The person I truly am really isn’t pretty, I’m a fucked up mess. I’ve lost so many people in the past, so many that I could have prevented. The world isn't bliss when you're trying to hide, all you can see is the darkness making you blind. I’m being touched by the flames and drowning in them, they’re the flames of my Apocalypse.

I’m a human with thousands of thoughts a day and no time to view life through someone else’s eyes. Because my own eyes are clouded with the judgment and misery inflicted by own self loathing. I’ve learned over the years to hate your self is to love every one with the love you can’t give your own self. I’m complicated and usually I make very little sense.

My self loath is not because you all torment my heart and soul by the small childish insults of: “You’re stupid.” or “You fucking retard, that’s not how you do it.” But its by how you view me as human being with ultra human feelings. I bleed the same color you do, sure it may take a while, but I bleed. I don’t bleed gold, so if you make me bleed I don’t bring you wealth. I don’t cry acid, so I won’t cry your burden away.

I’m judgmental and don’t see things around me quite clearly. My mind is clouded by thoughts that don’t really need to be there, these thoughts rule my day to day decisions. Down to what I wear, how I do my make up, the way I brush my teeth, and the way I put my shoes on. No one really understands what I think and I couldn’t possibly tell you what I think or why. I know its never clear, because when I do ignore these thoughts, they hurt the people around me.

I can’t say I’m the most caring, but nor can I say that I’m not. I’m willing to open my arms to anyone who needs a hug, a shoulder to lean, or advice to receive. My whole world, if I could make it, would revolve around helping people. I will not say I’m a saint, I will not say I’m amazing at what I do, but I will say that I’m good enough to help someone like me.

There’s a part of me that dreams to be understood by all and not taunted because I’m different. I crave to fit in; like any normal teenaged girl, I crave to be adored, to fit in is really what I want. Sometimes I don’t want all of my weird and immature friends, but at the same time I want them with me all the time, because with them around me, I can be the kid I had to leave behind so early, be a kid who screams at the top of my lungs phrases that make no sense, to put my hair up in pigtails and have it not mean anything dirty and vile. I want to be treated like the person I am; not a slow dimwitted, un-intelligent , confused/dazed, girl. I want to be treated like you treat everyone else, I know how impossible that is; you treat the people around you differently than the people around you while you’re in math class.

I’m usually a very happy person, sure I have my days where I just wanna cry to the people who’d listen, but don’t I have that right? To be a depressing person or to be depressed? Do I not have the right to be unhappy without being yelled at or laughed at because I hide behind my hair? I do realize that none of you will stop laughing at my demeanor, but could you at least quiet down about how much you hate me? How much you hate how I dress?

I know most of the people I speak of in this whole little excerpt of my life won’t read this to save their life and understand me. I’m just a complicated person; and I couldn’t be happier for the world.

I’m sure this actually seemingly scatter brained, but I honestly had to place this out there for people to see; I’m sure it doesn’t really make any sense, and in my eyes it doesn’t. I’m sure I sound whiney as well; I mean, its me asking people who I know won’t read this to listen up and hear me and stop taunting me How whiney could I be? I just thought I’d get it out there; and I just happened to like the way I worded this--even though its very immature.

Fallon. <3