My Penguin

I remember when I first met her.

We were outside Morrison’s. I was with Anne, my best friend. She was with Lora, her best friend. Anne and Lora were best friends in Primary School but were separated in Secondary School, so they were catching up on the last three years. Me and Ruby were just like, “Hi.”. I told her about being rubbish with new people, but it turned out that it didn’t matter - I could talk to her! I’m not going to say it was easy, because it wasn’t, but it was certainly easier than it’s ever been for me meeting new people. I don’t think it had anything to do with the severe amount of Red Rooster that I’d drunk that day either.

I found myself watching her as she mingled with the rest of the group and collecting various things from them. When she came around to me, I let her have one of my bracelets, because I knew that would mean she’d have to come back and speak to me again, in order to give me it back. I think I realised right there and then that there was something special about this girl.

Later on, I had sat down because I was beginning to fell quite queasy - I think the Red Rooster was coming back to haunt me - and Neds were spotted. Of course, we ran before they spotted us. But I really was feeling half dead, I could hardly move. Everyone else just ran past me, but she stopped to help me up. She barely knew me, but she risked the Neds catching her to help me up. They never seen us, or if they did, they weren’t the Neds that liked to chase us, but that’s not the point. The point is, I knew that if the Neds did catch up with us that I’d do anything to protect her.

At the end of the night I asked her for my bracelet back because I had to go home. She then hugged me said she hoped she’d see me again. Now, usually, I can’t stand people I don’t know randomly hugging me, but when she hugged me, I didn’t want it to end. I felt like that was exactly where I belonged. As corny as that sounds, it was true.

I think I was in love by the end of the night.

The next time I seen her, we were across the road from a shop. James had just bought bred for 10p and Ruby wanted some, but no one wanted to go into the shop with her - well, I did, I just didn’t say anything to avoid sounding overly keen - so she grabbed my hand and ran across the road. There wasn’t any bred for 10p left, but we were laughing, although I don’t remember what we were laughing at, only that it was the only time I’ve ever laughed and not felt awkward about it. Then we found 6 Mince Pies for 10p so we bought them, even though neither of us actually liked Mince Pies, which just made whatever the situation was in the first place ten times funnier. The guy at the till looked at us funny. This made it even funnier…

The next thing I remember is talking to her on msn. Everyone was just sussing out who was going out and where. I wasn’t in the mood to go out. It happens. But Ruby, who barely knew me, stayed online to speak to me. She didn’t want to go out and leave me on my own. No one else had even offered to do that before. Of course, I kept telling her to just go, but she wouldn’t. She said she’d go out later, but only to shut me up, because she didn’t. She seemed to know there was a bigger reason to me not going out than simply because I couldn’t be bothered, and she wouldn’t let it go, so I ended up telling her about my abysmal people skills. She promised to help. Usually, people are just like “Oh, okay,” and don’t speak to me very much, because they think I don’t want to speak to people. Ruby got it. Just because I can’t speak to people, doesn’t mean I don’t want to. She got that before I even had to say it. She’s the only person who’s ever been able to even remotely understand me.

I think it was this understanding that made things so easy between me and Ruby. I mean, it was easier than usual for me in the first place, but that conversation strengthened that bond. It also sorted my people skills problem - although only with Ruby. This was because she was still the only person who got it. But, after 15 years, just having one person who got it was enough for me. Almost overwhelming in fact. But in a good way. I always wanted to be with her - and I never want to be with people - because I didn’t feel awkward around her, I could be with her.

So, she found a way over the wall I’d built around myself and settled in nicely. It was a bit disconcerting for a while, to suddenly have another person in my Inner Circle, because no one has ever been there except myself, but I quickly got used to it, and even started enjoying it. I actually enjoyed hugging! I actually wanted to hold her! How mental is that? It wasn’t even only hugging, we would always stand with our arms around each other in some way, shape or form. We even kissed each other on the cheek! Ahh! Nuts! And I loved it! I loved every second!

We had many intimate moments, one in particular, but I think I’ll build up to that one. It started with the hugging, the standing with our arms around each other, the kissing on the cheek and progressed a little bit. Okay, a big bit I suppose, depends how you see it really. But when we were at Anne’s, I was lying on my stomach on her bed and Ruby lay down on top of me. It’s difficult to describe what I felt really, to have her there, to feel her weight, to know she was definitely, actually there. With me. Normally, I get freaked out with those moments of there-is-actually-someone-there and I’d switch off, distance myself from other people, stay in my Inner Circle, but not with Ruby, I loved having her there.

As well as making be comfortable being around people (okay, a person), she made me comfortable with having fun. I know, sounds daft, but even that feels awkward for me. Not with Ruby. We had so many laughs. Boogieing to “Bodies“ by Drowning Pool. That was totally our song. For no apparent reason. I loved having no apparent reason. It only ever happened with Ruby. Everywhere else in my life, there has to be a reason, otherwise there’s no point, it’s stupid. Speaking of stupid and pointless (and annoying, to some people) we had at least one night where we said ness and the end of every word. We started it on msn for no apparent reason (there we go again). Well, I suppose it was because we called each other “Rubyness” (yeah, that sounds better with her real name) and “Stephness”. But then we went out, and continued to do it. Bit of a challenge at first, but then we were fluent, then we did it without thinking. We were the only ones who could understand it as well. It was so fun. Oh, and I can’t forget our giant stick fights. Massive they things were, grew next to the burn, 6 - 7 feet tall (I think, never been very good at judging these things). We became quite the experts - until we’d used all the sticks that were there and had to stop. She was my Baby Ninja.

I think I’ll have to mention a few more of the nicknames we had for each other, to reinforce the bit that comes after the next bit. Particularly ‘my Penguin’. Well, that one came about from the Pon and Zi cartoon thingies. It has three sketches. In the first one, Blue (I can’t remember which one’s which) is telling Yellow “Did you know that when a penguin has found its mate, they stay together for the rest of their lives?”. The second one has Yellow with puppy dog eyes. And the third one is Yellow asking Blue to “Be my penguin?”. Well, Ruby said she’d be my penguin.

We also used to call each other “wifey” but I can’t remember why.

So, the infamous One Night In Particular. It’s the one night I’ll never forget. Me, Anne and Lora were all staying the night at Ruby’s. We just bunged mattresses on the living room floor, where we would quite literally sleep where we dropped. Now, initially I was lying next to Anne, but Ruby insisted I laid next to her. And I did. Obviously. And when I did, she put her arms around me, and I put my arms around her, and our legs got all tangled up somewhere along the line, and we fell asleep like that. Well, she fell asleep first. I lay awake for quite some time, just living the moment. Holding Ruby, having her there, her actually wanting to be there, feeling her chest move in and out against my own, feeling her breathing on my neck, just knowing that I was holding the most perfect creation in the history of creation. Ignoring that fact that I was completely in love with someone I very likely could never have, and focusing on the fact that it felt right, for the first time in my life, contact with another human being actually felt right. And I fell asleep with that feeling: the best feeling I’ve ever known.

We woke in the morning when her mum came into the living room, thinking we were all awake because she heard Anne and Lora talking, and we were still clinging on to each other. That’s amazing for two reasons: 1) I move about a lot in my sleep, so I shouldn’t really have been anywhere near her, but I guess even in my sleep I wanted to be with her; and 2) her Mum was there. Her Mum was right there and she didn’t let go. Most teenage girls would be horrified to have their Mum catch them asleep with another girl. Not Ruby. She wasn’t ashamed. Of course, that could have been because it was only meant in a friend way, so therefore there was nothing “wrong” with it, but I hoped it meant that she felt the same way about me.

This got me thinking. Does she? Should I tell her? I mean, she did insist I slept next to her, and she’s the one who put her arms around me first, and she’s the one who said she’d be my penguin, she’s the one who lay on top of me. I was thoroughly convinced she did feel the same way. But there was this nagging feeling that that’s just how she is with her friends. I mean, how could I tell? I have the worst social skills known to man. Even though she wasn’t as intimate with other friends as she was with me, there was still that nagging feeling. It was always there. Along with the nagging feeling that if I tell her, there’s a chance it will ruin the best friendship I’ve ever had, extinguish the only social skills I’ve ever had and make being around the only person I’m not awkward around awkward. You can see my predicament.

Though, I should point out that those were my main reasons for not telling her, not because she’s a girl and I’m a girl and that most teenagers would at least be a bit confused, if not horrified. You see, with Ruby it just felt so right that it didn’t actually cross my mind until later.

The thing that made me decide I should tell her happened not long after the One Night In Particular, might have actually been the next day. Well, she was working, and I didn’t know she was working. I don’t think she even knew she was working until last minute. All I knew was that she wasn’t out and I wanted to see her. I texted her, no reply, so I phoned her (I know! I, who doesn’t answer her phone, phoned her!), no answer, so I left a message on her answering machine (Seriously, I’m not making this crazyness up, it actually happened). I realised then just how much I missed her. And I’d read recently that you know you’re in love when you spend every moment you’re not with someone wishing you were. I was going to tell her, I really was. But, first, I wanted to be sure, or, at least more sure than I was already. I was going to tell Anne how I felt about Ruby and whether or not she thinks she feels the same way about me. An outsider’s view, because, well, I could have only been seeing what I wanted to see. So, I asked Anne to come to Morrison’s with me because I needed a drink (I didn’t, I just wanted to talk to her in private, and if someone else in the group overheard me saying that then they wouldn’t leave me alone until I told them what it was), but she was speaking to someone and couldn’t be bothered. I tried begging, but because I couldn’t tell her the real reason I wanted her to go until she actually went, we didn’t go anywhere. So I never told Anne, so I never told Ruby.

It wasn’t too long later when everything went boom and fizzled out, and between the day I was going to tell her and Doomsday, Ruby was always there, so I never got the chance to speak to Anne. So I never told Ruby how much I loved her. I suppose you could say that if it was true love, I’d never have let her go, and I still, to this day, don’t know why I did. I suppose it was the Nagging Voice - he likes to be a prick. Although, I suppose he had a point - if she loved me, she wouldn’t have let me go either. But, if we were both waiting for each other then we were never going to go anywhere were we? And we didn’t.

Our last encounter as friends happened outside a Home Economics classroom (of all places), on the 29th March 2007 (I’m not all skalkery, it was the last Thursday before the Easter Holidays). She was going to England for a week, so she hugged me and said she’d miss me. It was only going to be a week! We both had no idea it was actually going to be forever.

I often wish I knew it was going to end, because then I would have told her. I only didn’t because I didn’t want it to end, but if it was going to end anyway then what did I have to loose? If I’d told her, would we still be together? She’s a different person now, but if I’d told her, and we’d stayed together, would she still have changed? She was only 13 (I was 15) and she’s 15 now, a lot changes in any person in those years. Who knows? Nobody. Nobody knows what would have happened. But I really can’t help but wonder sometimes. Although, I think Garth Brooks has it right:

“I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.”

And what a dance it was.

October 2006 - March 2007: The best months of my life.

Note: All the names were fake, except my own.