May 19, 2009-Tuesday

I have two characters.
My first character, the outer character, is strong. She doesn't cry, or hide, or be afraid. She smiles and laughs with her friends. Never sad, never lonely. She might be crazy and random at times, but that's just the way she is. No one can tell my outer character who she is or where she's going. She already knows that. No one takes her hand and leads her out of danger. She walks into trouble with her head held high, charging the mountain, never backing down. She's brave, and confident, and stubborn. And she's happy.
My inner character, who I am when no one sees me, is weak. She is who I become at night. She cries herself to sleep, hides from the dark, and fears everything. She is sad, and lonely. She doesn't know who she is. When faced with a desicion, she would much rather it be made for her. Change, among countless other things that have no reason to be feared, scares her. She depends upon everybody around her to lead her in the right direction. She is awkward, and unsure. And she cries. She is the only one who cries. Because she has to. Because she is sad, and scared, and lonely. So she cries.
Hardly anyone has ever seen my inner character besides my best friend, Kelly, and some of my other, more trustworthy friends. I mean, what exactly do you think would happen if my strong outer character broke down and cried in front of everyone?? Exactly. That's why I need two characters.
This is the reason for the chain around my neck. It's just a simple, silver chain. Nothing special. But the charm; a silver moon and star embedded with blue diamonds. The moon is my outer character; leading the way for every one of the tiny stars that watches her. She is bold and bright. She's her own person. The star is my inner character; glowing dimly in a collective huddle of other stars, afraid to step forward and be who she truly wants to be. And the charm as a whole is me; two people, two personalities, two lives. And no one ever would have known by looking at me. And do you know why?? Because all they see is my outer shell, my outer character, my mask. Not the star; the moon.