the world has come between us.

i haven't written down whats wrong directly.
I've danced around it in poetry, but thats ignored too. i don't care what anyone thinks anymore.
I'm ashamed to admit this, but i feel like i should be put to sleep or something. I feel like i don't deserve this life, or something like that anyways. I'm not as bad as i used to be, and I'm not saying I'm suicidal, I'm just putting the facts out there, and that i don't think i can be happy. i don't see it in the cards for me.
How am i supposed to pretend i never want to see him again?
I'm not ignorant, you know?
I wanted to stay in touch and we did and now there's another one and I'm gone.
I still wonder what things would be like if that first night i said 'yes.'
when he asked if i wanted to give myself to him.
I told him i wanted to wait, and it got to a point of counting down days, and i was thrilled. i was so excited and i was so ready. i loved him with all my heart and anyone with eyes could see it.
and then everyone found out about her. i found out about her, and i was crushed.
and he turned it all around on me and i was so hurt.
I'm moving on now and I'm pleased, but I'm not happy.
i feel directionless and I'm almost glad i wrote this down here.
i have memories in my head, and they haunt me. like, his fingertips across my skin as we would lay in bed. and he would ask
'will you?' and i would say
'not today, James, but soon.' and he would nod his head
and with slight disappointment he would say 'okay.'

I'm so over it now. its dead.
I've let it go into the wind, which has been blowing in someone else's favor since day one,
and all i can see behind me is the photographs
fading.

until next time.
xoRenee.