Well... It's been 8 months since I've been with my girlfriend. i would say at LEAST 5 of those months were ones that she was actually truthful to me. This year, i turned 14, on April 8th. and the previous week, i found out my girlfriend was cheating on me... with my best friend. the week of my birthday, i cried and went through an emotional cloud of torture every single second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. What a great present, right? Well, it turns out, that they apparently both "cared" about how i felt, but didn't apologize, didn't do anything to make amends, just swept it under the rug, as if it was just dust. It may have been just dust to them, but both of them stabbed me through my back, into my heart. Ever since then, I've suspected they're still together; even though my girlfriend says "no, no. i don't love him". They still hang out, they still talk, and she tells me about him more than often. What makes this worse, is the fact that ALL of my friends knew they were cheating on me, and they all lied to me about it. i asked my girlfriend if she was cheating on me, even though i knew; she gave me a straight "no" to my face. i burst into tears and laughter as she asked "what is it?" i just looked into her soul and saw the truth, confirmed within her eyes. And these past 3 months have been killing me, slowly in the dark. Day by day i die more inside, as if poisoned by those who were closest to me. My "best friend" even said it was "OKAY" to cheat on me with my girlfriend.
Well, this week we're going to prom. My girlfriend and I. She "sent" a picture of her in her prom dress to me, but some how, my "best friend" (same "best friend" ) was the only one that got it; and she said she wasn't friends with him any more. What's that saying? Apparently, my girlfriend needs me, or so she says; but if she needs me, why push me away by killing me inside? I told her she can't have both me and my best friend, and she said she chooses me. I honestly do NOT believe her. My girlfriend and he hang out behind the school, with no supervision or anything, no one can see them. I've seen them before. I'm not stupid. I'm capable of putting 2 and 2 together once more.
Tonight, i'm crying in the dark, with no light from anything from the computer, an open knife next to my mouse, tears blurring my vision, uncles, grandparents, parents, not caring at all. talking to any one is impossible, for my cage has locked permanently; as if welded by the love of hatred, forced onto me by my superiors; jealousy and depression forced onto me by my self. depression honestly isn't the right word; it's not strong enough to describe my pain and torture that i'm enduring. the confusion has always been here, a fog so thick i can't see 2 feet in front of me. and when the fog clears, all i see is a desolate wasteland, devoid of life and compassion. obviously this is god's will. so he wishes, so shall it be.
I'm laughing hysterically waiting for my death. 2 people shouldn't be able to have this kind of power over me, yet I've gotten too attached, and i don't know what to do. I'm chained to the ground, held hostage. I don't know what to do. I want to break up with my girlfriend, but i don't at the same time. I still love her, and i still want to be with her, but even with my leave of this school, i still feel like my body will leave, but my soul will remain with them. I try and try to remain calm, but i cannot, may not, remain calm in my situation. Meditation, talking, every thing fails, and blows up in my face.
I just don't know what to do...
I'm a confused boy, lost in the crowd.
I've lost everything I had;
I wish that the lies weren't so loud...
All i want... are the peaceful, and meaningful whispers...
the meaningful time spent together...
But apparently, i'm denied those...
there's nothing to live for now...
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