DO YOU KNOW YOUR ENEMY?

Today is the last day of summer for me. In exactly 19 hours I will be going back to my little corner in the classroom while I watch from the sidelines all the people that are caught up in their own bubble.

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Some certain pairs will walk in the classroom, drop their bags at their favored seats then walk out of the classroom. Crowd the halls, shriek, hug and talk to their friends about how they missed each other and how they had fun. Someone arrives a bit later, then the whole group will shout her name. "OMG! It's (insert name here)! (insert name here), we missed you!"
Then they group hug and jump around like monkeys.

The bell will ring, and people will be running around, looking for their respective classrooms and crash into the mundane chairs. Once the teacher starts talking, the bubbles are formed again. Chairs are moved and the teachers glare at the students but the class will suck-up to the teacher and it all just passes as a blur.

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That's how it's been every single year, when classes start. This year, on the other hand, will be different from every other year. Why? Simple. I lost my friends this summer. They started hating me at the beginning of summer and until now, not a single word has been shared. Considering I got grounded on the last two weeks of summer doesn't help either. I couldn't go out and MAKE BETTER with people.

It's impossible to avoid these people now that classes start and I'm even more afraid that we'll be classmates. Even worse if I was forced to sit next to them. All because I decided to tell them the truth that I had sex with my boyfriend, I lost half of my friends. Probably, they'll tell the whole class too. I'm not the kind that cares about what rumors say but I will admit that they hurt inside. They kill me ALL the time with harsh words and there's nothing I can do now to stop it.

I was a coward. I hid behind my scarred arms and showed them the wounds that they cause just to have their pity instead of their hatred but I don't tell them that they cause it. I don't want to give them the guilt that I've been giving myself. CUTTING. It's the burden that I carry alone and I don't want to worry them with that so instead of telling them the painful truth, I'll go back to hiding my arms. They don't HAVE to know. They don't understand anyway.

I've tried making them understand but it never works. I don't want to give them that same problem. So I will do the thing I resent the most.

FAKING A SMILE AND LAUGHING A LIE. HATING THELOVE PITY THEY GIVE BUT CARING ANYWAY.

Tomorrow, I'll be wearing a smile for a mask, a jacket as my armor and a razor as my weapon. The enemy will be myself.