Yesterday Bonni picked me up after she got off work and we went to just hang out and have our family study night. I love it when she does stuff like that. Things at home haven't been as heart-wrenching and suicidally-inclined as they once were, but she still understands that sometimes I need to be rescued. It was a nice suprise, actually. She calls me and we talked for a bit, and then she asks if I wanna come over. Umm...yes! Long story into mid-length story, we went to Cracker Barrel for dinner and then had some quality time at her house. I'd never been to that restaurant and it was cool that she was thinking of me. Bonni has this tendency to make puns...out of everything. Now, me being very easily entertained, I am usually the only one that laughs at her jokes. But that's okay. Its one of the special things that we share, and I will never get sick of her terribly cheesy jokes.
We read from the Proclaimers book and discussed the signifigance of 1914-1918 and how C.T. Russel wasn't disappointed when they realized that "the end" didn't come in 1914 like they belived it would. Instead, it was even more motivation to further themselves in spiritual matters. I found this inspirational. Its like, even though I know that every day that goes by in this system is just one step closer to the Great Trib, it doesn't make it any easier to live with everyday trials. And despite that fact, I should only be reaching for more to keep myself busy. It was basically just what I needed to hear :)
I had a bit of a mediatation last night and have come to the conclusion that my life is at a pretty great point right now. Maybe its that my dad has sworn to never hurt me again, and we aren't constantly in a screaming match.
Maybe its the St. John's Wort that I've started taking again. Thank goodness for Mercedes being a naturopathic doctor! This stuff is great; its an all-natural herbal supplement used to stimulate mood and basically make you think more positively. It makes it easier for me to not let little things get me down or bug me as much. Its really helping me be happy again! And its not an anti-depressant, which is what I want to avoid.
Maybe, just maybe, its my loving boyfriend. He is so amazing. Its weird to me thinking that our friendship could never have cultivated itself into the beautiful relationship we have now if it weren't for a few measly circumstances. Matt has already proven that he will always be there for me on a few occassions and continues to make me love him more and more. It sucks, cuz he's in Missouri until August 1st visiting his dad. But we talk on the phone everyday, which helps. I know that I'm only 14, and because of this I'm not gonna make any stupid decisions and decide that he is "my one true love" and all that b.s. I barely know who I am right now, so it would be dumb to think that he's gonna be my husband or something. But I have never been happier than I am with him right now. Our one month anniversary is this Thrusday, too <3
My life has gotten so much easier since I cut out all of the things that were dragging me down. I look at myself even from the beginning of freshman year and I know that I've changed a lot. I realize that I've made some bad choices and done things that I'm not proud of. But isn't that what growing and maturing is all about? Not to say that my mistakes don't matter because of this. But I realize now that even if I hold myself to a high standard, I can't be constantly pushing myself to make everyone else happy. I needed to stop lying to myself and fool my mind into thinking that I was doing the right thing. And, most imnportantly, if I do make a mistake, that there's no point in trying to cover it. I would rather have someone be upsat at me for a little while, but happy that I told the truth, than see the disappointment in their eyes when they uncover a lie. My humilty has increased so much this year. Sure, friends were lost, and I know that there is no taking it back. But once I'm past all that, I know that stopping the bad association was the best thing for me.
As weird as I think it is, I also discovered how many people actually care about me. For the longest time, I convinced myself that I was a loner and everyone's love was only temporary or it was fake. Self-hatred moved me to be weary of everyone that I wanted to let in. Its finally set in, though, that I am surrounded by people that I know I can depend on. All my friends at school have shown that they care by being there for me. Alex and I have grown ever closer since I "saw the light" as Marlysha would put it :) Jenny and myself have become better friends. Maraiha, Marlysha, Tiffany, and Courtney have all succeeded in passing my masochistic boundaries and In know that these kids are the real deal. Vanessa, Cassi, Jaimie, and even Sydne have all become good friends to me because I put aside my own ignorant judgements, and I couldn't be happier about that!
I have a few friends that I met online that I can honestly say have become true friends as well: Shari, Jaime, and Michele have all earned my trust. Moreso, though, Shari. Even forgetting the story that she is writing that basically brought us together, she is a true friend. We've laughed, cried, and been pissed off at the same stuff togther and its amazing to me that we could have so much in common. She does all kinda of stuff for me and I feel like our friendship is so much more than a band or a fanfiction story.
Finally, the congregation. Denial had led me to think that there were only a few people I could trust. But I look at it now, and I laugh at how stupid I was to think that. It all changed the day that Mark Spencer gave me that letter. Oh, what a beautiful letter it was. I cried as I read it and now have it framed in my room. What really hit home is when he told me that the Elders regularly pray for me and that I have a permanate spot in their hearts. I've been going to meetings by myself since I was about 7. It just never really occured to me that these people love me like their own. I've grown up in front of their eyes. Margie Sepulveda and Mickey Herrada both like to joke about how I am both of their granddaughters and have even had play fights about who loves me more! Scott and Drew think of me as their own daughters. Paul and Kelley are two of my best friends. The Wears have pretty much adopted me and taken me in since I was that tender age of 7. Chris and Dave Sievert have taken me into their family, always having me over at their house and helping them plan parties. I'm even going there on Friday for a pool party! The Montoyas, the Halls, Steve Haller, the Spencers all see my potential. I feel like I don't belong anywhere besides in this family of a congregation we have.
Sure, this bliss may be only temporary. But I feel like I am a different person now. I feel like I can handle my problems in a healthier way now. No, I'm not perfect, and no, I'm no different than any other teenager. But the fact that I'm overweight doesn't plunge me into deep depression as it once did. I could be healthier, but I'm not fixated on this one thing. I see the beauty in the rest of me. I also don't hold all my emotions in until I'm ready to explode anymore. I have a lot of new outlets to stress that are really working for me. I also know that there are some mistakes that I'm still hearing about, but I've moved on. I don't regret how things turned out at the end of this school year. I have so much more to look forward to next year: an amazing relationship, new friends and experiences, and growing more as a person. And Clair will be going to MHS next year! :D
With this new attitude, I feel like I'm ready to face the challenges that I know are ahead. And I'm ready to laugh at the cheesy jokes I know I'm in for this summer, since I'm gonna be spending more time with Bonni than is healthy. But I still love her :)
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