*it's super long, and kinda babbly. i'm writing while i'm crying. u don't have to read. it's just what was on my mind right now. whoever decides to read the whole thing, kudos.*
i don't really know what i used to think the hardest thing to say was. maybe "i hate you". that is always a tough one for me to say. i've only ever said it once, and i regret it. maybe it was "leave me alone"... nah. i say that too much. whatever it was before, i know what it is now.
the hardest thing for me to say: goodbye.
today was the best day ever: a party with my awesome friends, playing painful games, millions of pixie stix, laughing and smiling, everyone was having a freaking awesome time.
until about 10.
i cried so much today. i've probably cried the equivalent of enough water to supply to people in a country in the middle of a fucking drought. i didn't want to leave. but she made me.
moving to jersey is tearing me apart.
i have to leave these awesome people:
- erin. she's my crazy, random, totally awesome "sister. she's been with me thru everything, and i love her so much.
- alexandra. my hyper, high, loud, freaking awesome best friend with the best words of advice and encouragement, and some awesome dance moves =D. i love her too. she's just the best.
- adrienne. even tho she's not into the whole "hug me before i go" PDA kinda thing, she hugged me today. it wasn't one of those "yes. here's a hug. weee." kinda ones. it said something like "i'll miss u sooooo much. please don't forget me." idk. maybe i'm nuts. but it was nice. she's my best friend too, and sometimes i think we could be related. she's awesome, and i love her.
- alex. one of the best guys u could ever possibly meet. he's so caring and sweet and awesome, and he's always there. he gave me awesome hugs today, and i love him to death.
- trey. my drug buddy. he's super totally amazingly the best. he puts on this whole cool, pervy, random funny guy show, but really he's sensitive and sweet. i love him.
- tyler. a great guy. i'll miss him so incredibly much. he's funny and random and just awesome. i love him alot, too.
- zach. omg he's hilarious. he has a crazy laugh lol. he's deep, yet totally random. he's just so fucking cool. i love him, too. he probably wouldn't like that if i told him, tho. he wants to be the tough guy lol. he probably wouldn't find that too compatible with his whole "tough guy" image. lol.
- william. the dude with the super long, totally awesome hair. i'll miss him so much. he totally rocks. he gives really awesome advice, like something u might find in a fortune cookie. lol. he's just great, and i love him.
- don. he's great. an awesome friend, and super crazy. i love him alot alot.
- kyle. he's... interesting. he has major mood swings and weirdness, but i still love him. he's pretty awesome.
- jason. he's so funny. so random. just the best. he can make me smile even when it's like virtually impossible. he's so awesome, and i love him.
- brandon. adrienne's bf. he's so awesome, and totally hilarious. very random. and he's uber nice, at least to me. lol. i love him, too. don't tell adrienne!!! lol jk. friendly, brotherly love.
- garrett. of course. he's so amazingly great. he's a freaking awesome friend, and i love him. i'll miss him so much. he's like a totally super random, hyper, high-all-the-time, loving, caring, fucking incredible teddy bear/brother. he's great.
- patty. she's awesome. like a sister. random and hyper, yet a good listener, i know she's always there. i love her.
- any other people i missed. sorry!!!! i'm sad and brain dead. so whoever i forgot, i love u and ur awesome!!!!
- and of course (last but definitely not least)... jacob. (who most of my tears were for). ugh. i love him soooooooooooooooooooooo much. way way way way way more than words could possibly explain. we're not together anymore, but i love him. he loves me. complicated, yes. who said it wouldn't be? i just... i want to be with him. so bad. i wish there was some way... any way... that we could. he's just... he's everything. i love him. nuff said.
that's what i'm leaving. they're my family, all of them. it's tearing me apart, leaving them. i love them all so much.
how can i leave them??? awesomeness like that doesn't just walk up and link arms with u. it took years to form my family. i'm so lucky to have them all, and now i can't be with them anymore.
i hope they never forget me. i'll always remember them. they've helped me thru so much hell, and according to some of them, i've helped alot, too. i'll miss them so much, and i'll always love them.
my sisters/brothers, buds, peeps, comrades, compadres, amigos, advisors, fortune cookies, encouragers, huggers, available shoulders, random dancers, drug buddies, etc. MY FAMILY. i love them all to death.
and jacob. he's part of the family, but he's the one i love differently. i'll love him forever, no matter what. i don't think anything could change that.
-- Caitlin
June 13th, 2009
(well, now that i'm finished, the 14th)
finished 1:04am June 14th (just for memories)
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