Drown My Sorrows With These Words

I found this in the back of an old notebook. It was written a while ago when I was very upset. I thought I'd put it on here just because.

I just want to die sometimes. Or hurt somebody. Badly. With my bare hands. I want to scream at the top of my lungs in someone's face and make them feel like the scum of the Earth. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that. I feel like laughing. I feel like dreaming. I feel like being happy. I feel like crying.

I cried while I was in bed, staring at the wall so you couldn't see me, last night. I cried in the bathroom with the lights off because I had nowhere else to hide. Because nothing seems fair. I sobbed in the shower when you couldn't hear me or see my tears.

I don't know why I dream of anything- want anything- because I know it won't happen. We just sit and let life pass us by. That's all I've ever known. What did you expect? Maybe I "don't smile" all the time because you don't smile all the time. Maybe your monotone voice and negative air does have an effect on others. Maybe I smiled all day today. Maybe I smiled and said hi to every person I came in contact with today. Maybe I spent some time cleaning the house before you came home -just for you- and you pointed out the one thing I did wrong and nothing else. Maybe I feel like I'm in a cage. Maybe I miss more people than you do. Maybe you're not the only one. Maybe I wish I could stick to my word when I'm mad at you and not speak to you until it hurts your feelings, instead of running back to your arms.

I just want to fly away.