Am I so selfish?

Lately, the world around me has been crumbling. I'm doing the best I can to stand strong and to make people think that fake smile is a real one, but I am a crumbling tower. Someone who stands strong though inside everything is collapsing. I know I don't have a choice in standing strong, for if I break, too many things break with that. So I stand firm and strong. Hurting, hating, wanting nothing but the end of this constant suffering. Pain is no longer something far away, but apart of my being. Yet, I will not let it become who I am, but am I so selfish to think that all that I go through is mine to handle? My burdens to carry? Why do I think I'm so alone, when I know I'm not and why do I keep isolating myself into this world of longness. My God, who is right beside me, I'm sorry I'm so selfish. I'd like to think this are my burdens, my troubles, and my battle to fight, but truth be told the are yours and only to you will the victory come. How can I not see that I am just the vessel in these struggles? Your tool to work with, for whatever reason you see fit? Oh Lord, I know with every fiber of my being how much I need you, how much I yearn for you. Yet, I deny you so much... My God, forgive me for wanting to stand on my own. Forgive me, for not seeing how these burdens aren't mine, but yours and forgive me for the question I have to ask. How can these burdens be yours, when I'm the one who caused them? When I let the people in who have hurt me? How is that your worry, your problem? But like I said I am selfish and a person who only knows pain, suffering, and a little bit of happiness. And I want that pain and that suffering to be mine because I can not bear to be happy knowing I caused this pain, not only to myself, but to my friends who are my family. When I let them be close to people who harmed them. Lord, though my heart is unsettled-settled, I give you these burdens because they were never mine to bear, but I am and was selfish.
June 18th, 2009 at 09:10am