I'M NOT CUT OUT TO BE A MOTHER!

Dear Journal

I have quite an odd thing when it comes to me and children. And no, it's not what your thinking about either. Throughout the last 5 years since my nephew was born, I have been a bit stricked and not very considerate of him, for he has autism like I do.
Whenever I see him and my niece getting into even the tiniest bit of danger- I go nuts and march like the FBI in their face. Whenever their being bad I yell and get mad. Usually my line is "You want a timeout?". My sister (their mother) is just like me, and it's me that usually gets in the trouble with her and my grandmother for being "insensitive". Do not get me wrong, I love these children with all of my heart and are very protective of them, they purposely like to bother me sometimes. And I understand why I'm the one that gets the boot, because I'm their AUNT and not their MOTHER. But still, even if they do get on my very last nerve and get most of the attention from my family, I love them dearly and would do anything for them.
I see my sister pulling out her hair because of these little terrors she has. And all of the stress she has gone through because of them and the fact that the father mostly plays World Of Warcraft all of the time. He's 25.

Last weekend, my cousin in Fresno had a birthday party and her little girlfriends were sleeping over (as was my mother and I) and they just adored me. They were like my little sisters I've never had. I felt like a real human being, being their caretaker and friend for two days. But they were very clingy to me and got very immature at some moments. They really wore me out with all of the energy they had. All of the talk about Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers weren't really cool on my part either.
I tried to hangout with my mom and aunt for a little while and the girls were like "Shannon come play with us please!"
I was exhausted by the time I got home.

Two days later-I was told my brother in law's 12 year old distant cousin was coming to visit and I was given the job to take care of her. I was very reluctant and very snotty about this idea.But yesterday was very fun. We watched The Princess Bride and Across The Universe-we played a few Napoleon Dynamite soundboards and made a few prank phone calls-I made cheese Quasidillas and we fooled around on my guitar a little bit.

I sort of have a love-hate relationship with kids. I don't want any of my own because I really don't think Id make a great mother. But I'm still not sure. I want to wait till I'm 27 to decide for sure If I want kids or not. I love them, but I don't think I have any responsibility in me.

-Shannon