The Rant of the Closet Emo. Wow I'm dumb :]

Ok so I'm bored and just not very happy at the moment. I kinda ended my friendship with this kid who was basically my brother. I think I had a good reason since I found out he was using me but still... I really miss having a friend that I'm so close to.
Its weird, that after three years he's just gone. I hate that I'll never know when everything seems wrong for him, and that I'll never be able to help him through it again. Towards the end of it all, he acted like I was a girlfriend or a possession but still... He's just so damn insecure about everything. I feel bad that I'm not friends with him anymore, really bad. He always said that i was his closest friend and then I was just gone. I promised to always be there. But that was almost two months ago and honestly, it just hit me in the last week that we're not friends anymore. I was in 'relief' mode, being able to talk to who I wanted without having to worry about making him mad or getting into a fight. BUt now I realized... my best friend is gone.

Its not that I think I'm nothing without him. I just felt like I might be a little more I guess? At least with him, when he had a problem I could talk him through it and help out. I don't have that anymore and I've realized that I have almost nothing. My family and I are close and I've got good friends but that only goes so far. Its like everything that used to be important to me and that was what I lived for just kinda disappeared in the last couple of months. I hate it so much but there's not a damn thing I can find to do about it.

I get good grades in school and in some advanced classes. I can ride horses pretty well. Hell, if I kept practicing I could still play flute, guitar, and piano like I used to. That's great, really. Except I don't even enjoy any of it anymore. I can't even remember when I didn't love horses more than anything and I just willing sold the one I had. He was the sweetest horse and I still don't even miss riding that much. I just want something that I'm good at that I like to do. Maybe I'm just being some stupid overly dramatic emo kid. I don't know. I don't even care. But its all good so long as my friends and parents don't find out I'm like this. at least they think I'm doing good.

My second summer school class starts Tuesday and I have my other best friend and the guy I kinda like who is also my friend potentially in my class so that's always a plus I guess. this is just some stupid rant. Anyone who made it this far, thanks for reading and i''m sorry I wasted your time. I'll be all better for a couple days now. :[ God I feel dumb that I actually wrote all this but oh welll. I can just delete it tomorrow.