Is it so wrong?

"It's when heaven turns to black and hell to white, right so wrong and wrong so right..."

That's what is pretty much going through my head right now. Inspiration strikes for meaningless journal entries when I'm about to pass out from a lack of sleep which isn't anyone's fault but mine. I put myself through this for some weird reason. Maybe in hopes that I actually won't feel the need to sleep anymore.

My mind is on overdrive and I need a place to vent.

Mind you, my life isn't horrible, but my mind isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I wish to Whoever that it was.

I wish I knew why I find myself thinking several times a day "Would they notice when I'm gone? What would happen? Is it so wrong to be selfish for once and the last time in my life?"

Is it really just a simple chemical imbalance that causes these thoughts to appear out of nowhere or is it much more deeper than that? Do I go by what professionals tell me and hope to Whoever that they're not bought off by the latest pharmaceutical giant or do I go with my heart? These little thoughts have been building up and building up for the past couple of months and have completely skyrocketed in part to a cataclysmic event that is totally my fault. In trying to please my "friends" I completely fucked up my family life again. Here I am, almost 20, living with the 'rent and a college dropout doing nothing, but trying to escape reality.

How do I peacefully wait to earn back all that trust with everyone in my family that I worked so hard to get over the past seven years without taking that selfish action? After all, I brought it all on myself. Friends aren't really friends especially if they try to fit you into some cookie cutter mold. I knew this. I have already gone through this, but I fucked up again.

Again and again and again.

Is it so wrong to try to feel good about yourself by pleasing others? Living vicariously through others can be a dangerous thing as its proven time and time again. I'm the perfect example.

Is it so wrong not to want to follow society's rules? So wrong to not want a 9 to 5 job for the next 50 or some odd years until my "golden years"? So wrong to not want attachments physical or mental to anything or anyone for the time being? To be completely apathetic? Is that even possible?

I want to live my life in the moment. Not plan and certainly not give a shit about what I should do next. It's so frustrating knowing what you want to do with your life, but having to settle for less, settle for the conventional, settling for the same old bullshit that makes me unhappy. Feeling like you have no control, but at the same time yelling at myself because I know I have all the control in the world when it comes to me.

If I did then why can't I control these sick, little, permeating thoughts in my head? Why does not amount of writing or meditating or sleep take it away? Why do I find myself craving those "hell in a capsule"?

God, this is ri-goddamn-diculous. These questions will never go away. Hopefully writing is enough of a coping tool to keep those thoughts at bay. Hopefully, they won't lead to my destruction.

Trust is something that I wish I had right now, but I don't and I can't change the past no matter how much I wish it different.
June 24th, 2009 at 07:34am