No one is listening, everything I do has a reason. A reason that screams the truth that NO ONE IS FREAKING LISTENING.
1. John. To tell the truth, I think I'm crazy too. I mean seriously, I have an imaginary friend that talks back to me, makes me laugh and listens to me. But the thing is, sometimes it seems like he's the only one who cares and listens, he may say I'm crazy talking to myself sometimes but he's always there for me when I need him. He's my new Valentine, well get back to that matter, which I am still angry about. (Just in case your wondering I made John back in Florida when I first found out what was happening and my mind was the only place I could go for help, because no one else would understand.)
2. My poems. If you read them you may say I'm depressed and maybe a little morbid, and maybe I am, just a little but if you were me you would be too. If everything you held was just ripped from your hands and you had no choice but to give up everything you held so dearly because of someone else’s mistakes? But if you really, I mean really, read them you will know what I'm talking about. I tried making happy poems but that’s not me anymore. I haven't wrote one happy poem since we came back to Michigan. My friend Nicole, from Florida, says that's a sign of depression, sadness or anger.
3. I chose not to have a life outside the computer. Last summer before I went back to Florida some things happened, nothing drastic, but some stuff happened and I called my step dad begging him to put me on the next plain back to Florida. That summer I cut off almost, if not all, relations I had with people here. Not wanting to face the embarrassment waiting for me. I didn't expect to come back here. I HOPED I wouldn't come back here. And now that I'm here, I don't want to get close to anybody because soon their all going to be taken away again. In the computer, no one really knows me, there's no room to judge, there’s always someone to talk to and they understand, that’s what we all want right? Just for someone to understand. And I never get close enough to them for it to hurt when their taken away. It's easy for me to bounce back from something like that.
Maybe everything I do is just a cry for someone to actually list to me. But still no one is so I don't see a point. Every time they talk to me they say this is just a "phase" I am going through. They ask is I want to go to therapy. But what if it's not a 'phase'? But seriously all I want is for someone to get me and the only people I can think of are thousands of miles away or I am not allowed to be alone with. I want someone besides my imaginary friend, No offense John, to get me and always be there for me. I want someone to get that I have no friends here outside of the computer and the only other friends I do have are thousands of miles away, I write depressing poetry, I have an imaginary friend, that I hate my life, that I hate that i am not really 'in' school, that I come from a family of crazy, mean, fake, bi-polar, procrastinating, backstabbers, that don't want anyone but them selves to be happy, and that most of all I just really want to be normal for once in my life. But I gave up on that dream 5 years ago, I am so messed up I can't even remember what normal is, not that I have ever known. I cant be normal. I wasn't born to be normal, I need drama to live, that’s what my family feeds off of and when things get boring they make you feel like life is not worth living but that’s us, and I don't think we know how to be any other way. I swear we love each other to death and we have our moment when you will catch us acting like a real family, but we need the drama. It's in our DNA. I’m doomed. I guess where all just asking for someone to listen, to help, and to most of all understand.
But the fact of the matter is that no one will ever listen to me besides my imaginary friend. I can never be normal.
*No offense to anyone in my family who reads this, sorry if I offended you in any way. This was meant about the adults not you guys. BTW I am talking about my mothers side.*
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