At A Loss.

Okay. So I have these three amazing friends. They have all listened, been there, and are individual, perfect and perfect in my eyes. Until now.

Each going through his own strife, problems, and struggles, they are looking toward suicide if all else fails. All three are looking for the easy way out. And it's killing me.

So one of them. His girlfriend is dying. And he hasn't even had the chance to meet her yet. He feels helpless and he doesn't know what to do. And yes, I'm terrified for this girl and I don't even know her. But talking to him last night, he said to me: "If she goes, I go too". Fear settled in my heart. I don't think I have ever made it clear just how much he means to me. My heart would shatter if he did take his life. I wouldn't cope. I never do.

The second of these brilliant guys. His girlfriend dumped him. She was everything to him. He loved her with every bone in his body and more. And yet she didn't anymore. That was hard enough for him. I prayed he'd make it through the night. He was in pieces. Distraught. Broken. But, as I said, it would get better. It did. We both knew that it would take time. It's what we expected. As the days passed, wounds started to heal. Not very much, granted, but heal nonetheless. And then, not much over a week later, we heard. She had hooked up with another friends ex. Two broken friends and nothing I could do. It was proving too much for him. Reading a note he wrote, a piece of my heart broke. Another piece.

And finally, on to my third friend. Together we've been through alot. And I know all too well that he has had such a rough life already. I know that he can't take much more. He doesn't deserve this. He truly doesn't. And if I had one wish. Just one. I'd set aside everything else to make all his pain, all his troubles go away. I can't bear seeing him in pain like this. It hurts too much. And yet, that pain. That was nothing. Nothing compared to what pain was to follow. He started talking about suicide. I couldn't. Couldn't anything. Everytime it comes up in conversation, my body goes cold. Shuts down, almost completely. Tears start rolling. My fingers start shaking. A lump in my throat gets bigger with every passing second. I know, if he did what he said he wants to, I wouldn't cope with it. I couldn't. He means too much to me. Far too much.

Each of these friends. Unique in their own special way, has changed me. Has helped me. Has done so much for me, although they may not know it. I can't lose any of them.

So bit by bit, piece by piece, my heart breaks. It's crushed. And all I can do is try being positive. Put on a brave face. Pretend it's all okay. It's what I've always done. It's what I must do now. As one of them said: "but there's nothing to be positive about". There isn't. Not anymore.

And So I'll Smile Like Nothing's Wrong,
Talk Like Everything's Perfect,
Act Like It's All A Dream,
And Pretend It's Not Hurting Me.