It's Raining Outside...[this journal has meaning]

So, I'm having some family troubles. I cannot go into specifics with it, but we'll just say some "severe" family problems within the walls of my house. And it's taking a toll on me. I already suffer from Severe Anxiety & Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Severe Depression and Bipolar disorder so you can guess that it's pretty bad around here for me, as well as my family members. I live with my little brother, my mom and my grandmother. Don't ask about my dad. He's totally out of the question.

But between all that, I'm also very irritable so that means I'm touchy with my girlfriend as well, who hasn't done anything to me most of the time. Ad it amkes me feel guilty. But what this journal really is about is how I feel like I want to give up.

And I don't mean taking my life. I mean laying in bed and not trying anymore. Things are getting so hard for me and it isn't improving. This has happened once before a couple of years ago and I worked my butt off on getting myself better and stronger so I could live on with my life. But now it has happened again and all my disorders are kicking in and it's not helping much. Things feel as if they're falling apart.

I'm still hanging on by my thin thread, and I don't know how much more I can take. Does anyone have some suggestions about how I can calm down before I go crazy when something like this happens? I do deep breathing, and it helps, but not by much. Music helps and talking to my girlfriend, Heather helps alot. But what if I can't have them at that moment?

As for the rain...it is soothing me. I've always loved the rain and now it is pouring down upon my roof and making me feel relaxed.

Thank you for taking your time to read this journal. It means alot.

-Lisha xoxoxo