Help, this isn't in any books.

[I copied this from another journal I have.]

I have a friend that I used to be so ridiculously close to in middle school, but she's never read a word of my writing (one of, if not the most important thing in my life) and if I burst into tears in front of her without any warning, she wouldn't know what to do.

She'd just stand there, awkward, like we were strangers.

She might ask what was wrong, but her voice would sound awkward and stiff and distant. She wouldn't touch me. The truth is, she's just a good friend to have in good times. Not in bad.

What a shame.

Look at how we've deconstructed. It's perfect, it's just so fucking pitiable.

And I'll admit I am a little like her in some of her worst aspects. Maybe a lot. Maybe that's why we were so close.

But the difference between us is, I at least try. I try to be a good friend to have no matter what, even though I'm far from perfect. I try to realize what I did wrong, and learn from those mistakes, and not do them again. She just wants to forget.

Do I think I'm morally superior to her? Yeah, I probably am. Fuck modesty. I've grown out of that. I know myself now. I can try fucking with anyone (and most likely fail), but I just can't fuck with myself.

Is this self-actualization yet? Have I reached the top of that pyramid or tree or whatever landform it is that's supposed to be so symbolic?

One, two, three, four years we've known each other. And just like that. Just like that, we fell apart. No, it wasn't even that. 'Falling apart' connotes some sort of violence, some sort of damage. It didn't hurt a bit. It was even softer than the hairline cracking of an entire ice cap, it was even quieter than the snow falling over the feathers of a dead crow. We were, and then we weren't.

How could this happen? This isn't possible. This does not happen. I keep saying those things to myself, but it doesn't change anything. Even when we're together, we rarely talk and it's really awkward. Even when we have the option to be together, we rarely take it. Have we been friends for so long, it's okay to not talk, to ignore each other? Are we growing out of each other? I changed and she never changed. Is that it? Honestly, I don't think I like her anymore. There's the unadultered truth.

Now help, dammit!