Real Suckers

you know, it's because of people of your species that wonder why i'm mad at them.

and it's because of that same reason. that they've done something that offended me.

and in order to avoid giving out any explanation or to cause a greater conflict in between because i have enough problems in my head and i dont need another one, i just say sorry, as if i'm the one who acted wrong.
i say sorry to have at least a moment of internal peace, to avoid getting in more trouble with people.

but that's wrong, because i won't last my whole life trying to please everyone. i'm learning to be honest. to say to people that i don't like them, and that they're a really big pain in the ass.

why have i never done this before? because im a pansy. because i dont have the nerves nor voice nor power to speak for myself. because i've been "sucking up" every feeling that revolves inside my mind instead of screaming it.

just to please.

but im tired of looking like that innocent girl that everyone warns to cover her ears when someone's about to say something inappropiate... when there's so much more swearing inside my head.

because everyone does stupid things. of course, no one is perfect. everyone makes stupid things. but there are things you're conscious about. when you SEND or OBLIGATE someone to bring you a bottle of water while you're "busy" watching TV when you can do it yourself.
when someone trips you, then apologizes and, as you turn around, laughs because she did it to show everyone she is a lioness.
when someone promises not to tell a secret, and the other day you realize your darkest secret has been spreaded throughout the school and you're the laughing stock.
when someone swears they're not mad, but they ignore you instead of setting things down.
or the common ones...
when a friend backstabs you.
when someone doesn't let you have your space when you need time alone.
when your jealous boyfriend doesn't allow you to hangout with your friends, friends that came before him; friends that were there when he wasn't.
you're conscious about those things. they're stupid. and i wouldnt like you because you participate in them. maybe i do them too, but i control myself. i have that quality you don't have.
and i never lose it, because i always control myself. and if i want to punch you in the face, it's only because i want to try it, since i've never punched anybody before due to my lack of voice and power.
since i'm gaining it, or at least, demanding power, i can manage to punch you. and i'm sure that'll feel great.

but...

my time is sine qua non. and i dont have to waste it on people that are a huge plastered piece of shit on the ground, like you.
and you never understand that my most valuable weapon is ignorance. i ignore you because i am too busy to waste my precious time on you.
and because you haven't stopped offending me, i'm telling you with a big perky smile on my face, "i do not forgive you and i hate you."

i hate you, and i'm tired of pleasing you all the time by being innocent.
and i'm through with being innocent.
i can show a stinging sarcasm and i won't care if you cry because i hurt the 'poor little baby'.
i'm through being nice.
at least, i'll be nice, but i'll have my limitations.
an opportunity. that's all i'll give.

if that doesn't work, well, fine.
forget them.

but if they cross the line, i'll cross my fingers to be ready by then. to tell them off. to shove them away. to yell again something i've never said before to anyone on purpose. to piss them off and dazzle them with a huge and last, "Fuck you!"