So I'm a Mama...

I'm a Mama! A dream that I never thought that I'd realize and was told that I would never realize. I'm amazed...even after learning on 10/07/08 that I would be and after delivering him on 06/05/09 I'm still amazed. I'm amazed every time I look at him, actually. My biggest dreams of life were to be a wife and mother. I kinda failed at the wife part of the dream but as to the mother part of the dream, I'm doing pretty damned well if I do say so myself, and I don't toot my own horn very often. I gave birth to Cian Matthew Allen Hall on June 5, 2009 at 8:35 p.m. He was 20 1/2 inches long and weighed 7 obs 15 oz. Yes, I caved and got that wonderful epidural and had a c-section after a much heated debate and fight with my doctor as I wouldn't dilate fully...damn my body! Yes, Cian does have a middle name that looks familiar to any A7X fan, and yes he is partly named after that Matt, but most importantly, Matthew means "Gift of God" and that's exactly what he is.

There's this sense of amazement, of fulfillment every time I look at him, hear him sigh, coo or even cry, accomplishment even. I loved every minute of my pregnancy. I know that's probably odd to say and even more odd to hear, but there was that sense of wonder every week when there was a new mark hit, new development and don't even get me started on those first little flutters that steadily became stronger kicks and jabs...those, those were some of the most wonderful things I've ever felt. In fact, it's the thing I miss the most of not being pregnant anymore. Sure I bitched a lot, every body does, but after it was all said and done, I loved it, absolutely loved it. It's indescribable.

I write and I'm pretty descriptive--I try to make people feel or see what I'm writing, the characters and places that I create--but this feeling I have over my son is something that I've found that I can't describe. About the only thing in life that I've never been able to describe. I just can't put it into words. It was a journey that I never thought I'd go on or even complete.

With all of that being said, there are things that I'm upset about and I guess this is why I'm writing this. How in the hell since I feel like this, does someone else not? I'm left breathless--had the air sucked out of my lungs when I heard his first cry, tears streaming down my face--and someone who helped create him is so ambivalent, who wants to play the wounded party, who wants to not even acknowledge that he's here? It mystifies me. Pisses me off. Sets me into a rage, actually. I just don't understand it.

I understand that everyone is hard-wired differently, everyone feels things differently, sees things differently, but seriously...you helped create this beautiful innocent being, how can you not even be moved a millimeter? That's what I don't understand.

I don't want him to be up my ass, I don't really want to have to share custody of my child but know that I have to by law, I don't want him to really be a part of my child's life but just a small acknowledgment would be nice. I haven't heard a word and Cian will be a month old on the 5th. Not a single word. A friend that I haven't talked to in months has, though. Was told that I was making him 'out to be the bad guy' when in fact he hasn't said not one word to me. He knows that Cian is here, was told my his parents who were present when Cian was born no more than 15 minutes after he was born, who told me that they'd notify him that he would be coming so I didn't have to worry about it with the inducement I had to go through and he wants to say that I'm making him out to be the 'bad guy'. What the hell ever. He didn't come to the hospital, you left the phone call from his Dad go to voicemail knowing that the call of Cian's arrival would be coming, he's the one who has made no effort whatsoever in the past 3 1/2 wks, who made no effort really past the 10th wk of my pregnancy to be involved.

I should just forget about it but I'm pissed. There's this wonderful human being sleeping in a crib in the next room that's being denied something that he shouldn't be denied. Yes, I say I don't want to deal with him--we broke up before I knew Cian was coming--but I do believe he should have a father in his life no matter how I feel about him but this is proving to me that Cian doesn't need a father in his life if this is any indication of how the relationship would be. I mean he already has a 6 yr old that his parents get every other weekend that he never visits. This just solidifies in my mind the many reasons I have (and those that know me closely know what they are beyond this issue) for not wanting him to be a part of things. You can't be a father if you're still a child yourself and that's what he is.

So, I did something well...I created a human. Something NO man would be able to do...they'd keel over in wk 6 and never recover, let alone go through the contractions if they managed to get through the pregnancy, the bloated ankles, the waddling due to you being the size of a small cruise ship.

My super power: Creating a beautiful being that completes me and makes me realize that there is a purpose to life, that I loved from the first whimper.

Motherhood is simply amazing.