I really don't know what to do anymore

I know its stupid to think anyone will answer me on these stupid things but I really would like atleast someone to. OR i just need to rant a lot about stupid things. I hate having walls up but i know people only do it for their own protection, and there really isn't a reason for them to let it down for someone. That someone could totally reck it like someone has in the past and then what would you do? Nothing. Just sit in your hole and wither away, unless you are strong enough to get back on your feet. All i really want is someone special to see that they can trust me, and let me break down that wall of theirs. I want to be with this person for a really long time and maybe thats not enough but it would mean the world to me if they would just this once let me in and be able to break that stupid wall. They realy don'thave a reasno to i mean i've been a really stupid girlfriend, i've done stupid things, i've flirted with other guys and i'm not proud of it, especially when i lost him the first time, but now i want to change i really do. I want to be able to be strong for him and not break down and make everything better. And now i cant even fix anything when i'm away from him, i can't make him happy and i can't stay home and be with him because of my parents. IF he can't deal with me being away how are we ever going to work out when i have to go places with my family and can't bring him? THere is also the problem that i want to share everything with him. After stupid internet people have fucked with me i don't want to keep anything from him and i rather him not keep things from me, i mean i'm not asking to delete all his email accounts and stuff....but i rather have one that we both have so its not so bad and i don't have to worry all the time. Its stupid for me to worry and to want these things cause it sounds like i don't trust him on his own, and i really shouldn't care about people onthe internet. But what if they come into our lives face to face? What then? Maybe it just proves we weren't going to make it and i wasted my time trying to make it all work.