Theres No Room In Our Agenda For Defeat.

I have never been one to complain about how shitty my life is, because it's not really, and I know there are SO many other people who have it way worse. But you know? Sometimes, I just need to rant. Sometimes I just want to bitch and moan about how much my life fucking sucks, to feel like somebody actually cares. Because I don't think anyone really does. Which sounds all lame, whiney and very cliche and stupid. But I dont care. I just want someone to actually listen to me for once.

Im turning 18 in two weeks. It should be a big deal, and a generally really happy day for me. I'm absolutely dreading it. Not only will it be the first birthday that my dad wont be here for (RIP), but my own mother is going to be too busy going on a fucking motocycle trip to Maine to be home. Not that she really remembered. She just said she wasn't going to be here for my neice's birthday party. WHICH of course is on my birthday. So I get to spend my birthday at a 4 year olds party.

I'm not ready to become adult. I'm not ready for that kind of respondsibility. I don't want to do it. I'm scared. I'm lonley. I just wish my father was here. Because atleast I could always count on him for anything. I knew he would always be there for me no matter what. And I want that security again. I want nothing more for my dad to be here to guide me, and tell me what I'm supossed to do.

I'm so lost, and I don't have any fucking clue what I should be doing. I don't want total control of my life, I want someone, anyone to tell me what to do.

I wish Zachary understood what I'm going through. I wish he would get it that I'm not always happy anymore. That I feel completely and totally replacable. I wish he listened like he used too. He doesn't do that anymore. And I have never left so alone. I don't like it.

I dont like this. I dont like anything that Im feeling. I dont know anything, and I don't like it.

Im done bitching. Im sick of listening to myself whine.