The Avenged Sevenfold Bible

THE AVENGED SEVENFOLD BIBLE

M. Shadows puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Synyster Gates can slam revolving doors.

The chief export of The Rev is pain.

Johnny Christ counted to infinity...twice.

Zacky Vengeance can divide by Zero.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Neither does M. Shadows. He doesn't have to.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless M. Shadows has been there, then its soaked with tears and blood.

Synyster Gates died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

The Rev once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Zacky Vengeance sleeps with a night light. Not because Zacky Vengeance is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Zacky Vengeance.

Johnny Christ is the reason Waldo is hiding.

A Tsunami is water running away from The Rev.

How many times does it take Synyster Gates to screw in a light bulb? None. Synyster Gates does not need light. Light needs Synyster Gates.

Zacky doesn’t get brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

Johnny Christ got in a fight with a cloud.

M. Shadows does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

The Rev crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his motives.

M. Shadows can speak Braille.

Johnny Christ is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Johnny Christ.

M. Shadows jacks off to Monster Trucks.

Jeeves asks Zacky Vengeance.

If The Rev is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Geico saved 15% a year switching to Synyster Gates.

Johnny Christ went back in time and stopped the JFK assisination by catching the bullet in mid air. JFK head just exploded in sheer amazement.

The Rev brushes with Plutonium.

Zacky Vengeance has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
M. Shadows made Satan cry.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Synyster Gates" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!"

When Zacky Vengeance gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

M. Shadows doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”

In the beginning, Johnny Christ told God to make him something to play with and gave Him a seven day deadline.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Synyster Gates is watching.

M. Shadows does not leave messages. M. Shadows leaves warnings.

The idea for the show "24" is actually stolen from a drawing Zacky Vengeance made when he was drunk.

The Rev kicked a 50 yard field goal while having sex.

The biggest mistake Clint Eastwood ever made is when he told Johnny Christ to make his day.

M. Shadows once drop kicked Tim Allen for popularizing his mating call.

Synyster Gates killed the last Unicorn with his bare hands.

The Rev plays soccer with severed heads.

Johnny Christ can lift a mountain over his head with one arm and make a perfect pitcher of Kool-Aid with the other.

M. Shadows is like a Tsunami, if you can see him coming it's already too late.

Uncle Sam doesn't want you anymore. He's got Zacky Vengeance.

Johnny Christ beat up the Jolly Green giant.

M. Shadows ate the Stay Puff Marshmallow man.

The rev didn't vote for Pedro. He deported him.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because of M. Shadows.

When God said, "Let there be light", Synyster gates said, "say please".

Johnny Christ plays Russian Roulette with the Grim Reaper.

Zacky Vengeance punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

The symbol for Zacky Vengeance in sign language is a middle finger on fire.

Zacky Vengeance’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Johnny Christ does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Johnny Christ goes killing.

If you can see M. Shadows, he can see you. If you can't see M. Shadows you may be only seconds away from death.

The Rev sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled drumming ability.

Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Rev stabbed the devil in the eye while he played "Beast and The Harlot" and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Johnny Christ.

The Rev has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Synyster Gates’ toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

A blind man once stepped on Zacky Vengeance’s shoe. Zacky replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Zacky fucking Vengeance!" The mere mention of his name cured this man’s blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal guitar blow delivered by Zacky Vengeance.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Johnny Christ’s nutsack.

Synyster Gates made Ellen Degeneres straight.

The Rev knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Zacky Vengeance can speak braille.