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You pressed 1.
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Paitient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.
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The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!========================================================Deara) Momb) Dadc) love of my lifed) Assistant Principale) Local Police Chief,f) Near & dear friendWords cannot begin to express how sorry I am that youra) Carb) Housec) Petd) Espresso makere) Left armf) Snow Mobilewas severely damaged by mya) infantileb) puerilec) ineptd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistice) woefully under appreciated prank.How could I have known that thea) carb) jet skic) large helium balloond) rodent driven sledgee) Zambonif) Ski DooI was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of youra) houseb) wifec) Mistressd) Cub Scout troope) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torchf) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability toa) imagineb) fathomc) comprehendd) appreciatee) pay forand I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights toa) hate meb) sue mec) spank med) take my firstborne) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pondf) just shoot mebut I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joking around ata) schoolb) workc) churchd) the bowling alleye) the municipal jailand to remember that I am first and foremost youra) friendb) childc) siblingd) lease co-signere) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one thata) was so stupidb) was so sillyc) would have been funny if it workedd) you would have done, if you had thought of it firste) I'm going to use again on someone else.Sincerely,Me
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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?
This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”
To which the guy responds, “Clever? This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
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Anagrammar!
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs GoreDormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty RoomEvangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's AgentDesperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends ItThe Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come DotsSlot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in EmAnimosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No AmityMother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman HitlerSnooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z'sA Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in PlaceThe Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer ShakeEleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus onePresident Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds
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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What''s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We'll just see about that get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about….. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
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You pressed 2.
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Zoey 101 is filmed on pepperdine college.
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The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
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Odontophobia is the fear of teeth.
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The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottles represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had
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The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
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It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.
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It would take 11 Empire State Buildings, stacked one on top of the other, to measure the Gulf of Mexico at its deepest point.
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The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.
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The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
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On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.
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The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
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The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
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Mario, of Super Mario Bros. fame, appeared in the 1981 arcade game, Donkey Kong. His original name was Jumpman, but was changed to Mario to honor the Nintendo of America's landlord, Mario Segali.
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You pressed 3!
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Do witches run spell checkers?
<-------- The information went data way>
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
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Goodbye!