This is just a rant about random crap. I feel the need to post this, so I will. Feel free to insult me if you believe I deserve it. I've always had imaginary friends. When I was in elementary, I used to imagine people there and that I was running at random stuff, just because I had no real people to be with. I was a complete loner. I've always been so afraid of what people would think of me, so I just kept quiet. Now, I'm afraid of them thinking, "Why is she talking all of a sudden?" I always thought people would think of me as some sort of a freak. I was always the one to be bullied. Always. Everyone just saw it so easy to hurt me and get away with it. I've always thought of myself as the odd person who was completely different from everyone else and probably had something seriously wrong with her.
I did get friends eventually, but I was still a doormat. I would just listen to what my group of friends would say to each other without saying much for the most part. I guess I did have one good friend-- Courtney-- once, though. She's the only friend who had really treated me with respect. Well, actually, I'm wrong with that. There've been a few more, but I've never really talked much to most of them. Courtney moved when I was in elementary, though, and we haven't talked since.
I've had some really bad experience with a group of friends I had for quite a few years. Most of them would bully one of the friends in our group. She'd still stay in our group, though. Maybe she thought that if she weren't in the group that she wouldn't have any friends. She's had to take some shit from other people, too, especially for her weight.
The one time, when we were in sixth grade, we went to the playground at the elementary school, and we, including me, were so mean to her! I don't know why I was like that to her, too. I guess I thought they'd like me more if I were like that. Anyways, during our trip to the playground, they made her open up her vagina and show it to us just to see if she'd do it. I forget with what, but they did threaten her. It wasn't a threat to do anything violent, though. I think it was either a threat to spread a rumor around or to break up their friendship with her if she didn't do it. When she actually listened to them, I turned away. After that, however, I called her a very nasty curse word I had recently picked up on a virtual pet website called Venetopia. I soon regretted it, however, because a little kid who came with us began to repeat it just to annoy me. I am quite ashamed of myself for siding with them that day. Very ashamed.
They would always talk to me in this weird voice that made me think they were implying that I was some sort of retard. They also asked me personal questions such as if I received food stamps, what my weight was, if I shaved my thighs, and some others. I was stupid enough to answer correctly to them, even though I sensed that they were full of shit. After a while, I began believing that I really was a retard, and I also started shaving my thighs. Oh, and they also asked if I shaved down there.
In eighth grade, I decided to just drift away from them. What made it ten times easier was my MP3 player. I'd just not go near them and then listen to my MP3 player. I also felt depressed then, so I just left everyone alone after a while and stayed by myself once again. I wanted to be alone for the most part.
In ninth grade, I didn't make any new friends, mostly because I was too afraid to talk to anyone. I was so afraid of what they'd think to me. Courtney came back to my school, and my brother said she was being bullied a lot. He said that she put herself down a lot. When I heard this, I almost burst out crying, because it sounded so much like me. However, when I tried talking to her when she was sitting right near me, I couldn't even get the word "hi" to come out of my mouth, because I was so nervous. Also, I was going to try the bullies to shut up in study hall when we had the same study hall, but I could get a word to come out of my mouth. I was just too nervous. Now, I wish I could go back and do what I should've done. Courtney definitely did not deserve that at all.
Right now, I actually have an imaginary boyfriend, as lame as that sounds. I can't help it. I'm a wacko.
Hope this didn't sound like utter crap. Sorry if it did.
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