I finally let him know what I was Feeling.

I finally sent him email expressing my feelings to him and how he has been making me feel lately.
I even told him about me starting to fall for him which was something was hard for me to even type little alone would be able to tell him.
Part of me is releaved but the other part of me wants to curl in a ball crying.
There was a shame-full secret I did hid from him that I have been mutalting the palm of my left hand with a razor blade.
I started to cut myself from all the stress in my life with my marriage, faling yet again in my life that I tried so hard to accomplish in my life.
I feel like a useless in life with no purpose or reason to continue so I punish myself for all my choices & mistakes I have made in my life.
Only 3 people know about me mutalating myself and they were upset that I would hurt myself and I felt gulty & a hipercrit when I helped a few friends stop cutting.
Those friends don't know I have been doing that or they would cut too knowing I did because they wouldn't want me to be hurt or for me to harm myself.
I never thought I would become a cutter even if I am considered in the emo group by some people because of my emotions.
Well anyways I hid that from him for he wouldn't choose me over the other girl but it didn't matter he choose her anyway.
Heres the email I sent him but I am removing his name because he has the right to his privacy.

---Start of email--

------,
I am writing you this email because you have pushed me away for reasons unknown to me.
You know if you don’t even want to be my friend then you should just tell me because its cruel to see you flee on the messenger the way you do when I wasn’t even going to messenger you.
I wouldn’t bother you all the time because I know you don’t want to hear from me that much or even at all.
I don’t know what I have done so wrong for you to treat as you have done or know the reason I should be treated so poorly by someone that said would be friends with me.
I didn’t know this is how friends treat one another.
I told you accepted the fact you liked the other girl more and even got closer to her.
If you have truly listened to my words whenever we spoke you would have remember others happy ness means more than my own.
I don’t say that just for the sake saying it or to hear myself speak, it’s just something I feel and who I am.
I relished now I never had a fair shot with you.
I was kept at arms length.
Believe me I know when someone is pushing me away or keep his or her distances from me.
I am not sure if I came on too strong or I didn’t show enough interest whatever it is its to late and I have accepted the outcome like a mature adult.
In life you don’t always get what you want but its something you always have to learn to accept not matter if you like it or not and with someone like me that hasn't gotten everything in their life, that is something I am use too; it so its nothing new.
I grow and move one.
I am sorry that things have turned out this way between you and me for the fact we can’t even be friends without it being an issue of some sort.
Yes I liked you allot, maybe even too much but I never deny what I think or feel even if its hard for me sometimes to express what I am feeling at the time.
You don’t have to remove me from your messenger or email because I won’t bother.
I respect the fact you don’t want to contact me but maybe someday you would like to see how I am or just to say hi, like wise for me.
One thing I have to get off my chest before I don’t bother you again is..
Dang it’s even hard to type it to you.
Alright here it goes a small part of me was falling for you but believe me I wasn’t trying or looking to start to fall in love so soon after the split of my marriage.
Yeah I know you not too happy about reading that, sorry.
My heart pulled the rug beneath my feet without me know before I knew it I was starting to fall.
I have managed to stop that feeling since it would only hurt me to continue to feel that way and I didn’t want it to interfere with our friendship but it doesn’t matter now since there is no friendship to speak of.
Um I am not sure what else to type except bye ------.
I really wish we could have at least been friends.
I hope to at least to hear a goodbye email from me but that is your choice and not mine.
Bye ------. I hope everything works out for you in your life.

-..............

--End Of Email--

I want to hear what others think about what I worte and the email I sent to the person I have been holding back secret love.
Plus I want to know if my email made my point to him what I was trying to express and if I was comming on to strong.
Please be nice there are ways to express your opinion without being mean while expressing it.
Thank you so much for reading my journal entrie and being respectful.