Letter to the Lonely

I sat there, clutching my stomach. He looked at me a couple of times with mixed expressions but probably just thought "God, she's weird" and let it go. He doesn't have a name anymore to me. It's just a noun. "I like..." "I love..." just like we learned in french, right? J' aime... J' adore...I can't even say it anymore. I can't say I love him because that'll make it true and that can't happen. Not now. All I can do is grant others a bashful "yeah..." when they ask if I like him. All I can utter around him are untruths and embarrassments. God, I wish I could let this go. But I can't and "I won't" as one of the songs I wrote about him states. I'll never be able to cope with this like. Now I know what the term 'crush' describes: what happens to my heart when he's around. I want to tell him and get it over with, but my mind won't allow my body to take steps toward his direction knowing that the only thing that will follow is a lavish comment on something that happened a fortnight back. At night, my lips murmur sweet nothings over and over again, wishing to speak it to his face. I'd roll over and feel my whole being heavier than I left it, my heart 20 pounds denser. I could never sleep restfully as I had before the year had begun, before I met him. I hope I never have to love him. I hope I never wake up and desire him next to me because I know I wouldn't be able to take such pain. I would never want my tombstone to read "could not take her world any longer" or "took her life because of a boy". Maybe if his lips touched mine...thoughts like this have hurt me before. I imagined them, his lips. They were soft and smooth. He would kiss me lightly and clumsily...and I would fall too deep. Why do they call them "butterflies"? Butterflies are beautiful and sweet and they tickle you when they land on your hand. These made me want to vomit and cry. I liked him so much. Why was he incapable of liking me? There were several reasons but I could never force myself to admit them all. I know how I am: unruly, unwilling, overbearing. I'm not stupid...which may be my biggest downfall of all. My stomach clenched. I looked up. I was still in class. He was still sitting there, innocent of the time I had just lost to him. I prayed he'd give it back.